October - November 2015
1. The Life of the Party (October 2015)
Ah, here he is: The Life of the Party. He's handsome, he's drunk, he's loud, and he's abusive. He can't even remember half of what he's drunk, swallowed, and pounded down. He's talking to a pretty girl, but he can't be bothered to remember her name. He's talking to a pretty girl, but he can't remember where she's from.
And there you are. He's seen you around, of course. You're ugly and you're awkward. You're quiet and you're self-effacing. You're standing there with your one empty beer, afraid to take another. You want to talk to him, but he won't remember your name, or where you're from.
And, as such things go, he happens to have a long memory. He remembers every awkward thing you've said. He remembers every way you've tried (and failed) to be his friend. He remembers how ugly you are, how awkward, how young, or how old. He is a catalog of your failures, and these failures are the means by which he measures himself, and the means by which he outshines you.
So yes, he sees you there, standing or sitting next to me. He knows you'll try to know him, in your inarticulate way. He knows you'll take everything he has to give you. You'll make jokes, and he'll return them with insults. You'll make speeches, and he'll pretend not to hear. And in time he will have everyone laughing at you, the failure, because this is how he glorifies himself.
And when you finally leave him, sad and defeated, headed home to more of the same loneliness, he will carry out this same work upon others. Even if there are no others, he will create them in the small shadow you leave behind.
"He should never have come here," he will say, "He should have known better." Yet in your absence he will grow restive, and in your absence he will grow uncertain. He might be The Life of the Party now, but what happens after you leave? What will he be, when you take away the life you've given?
2. Stepping Out 走到戶外 (October 2015)
Triathlons, triathlons, triathlons. Seems like a lot of triathlons lately. 鐵人三項, 鐵人三項, 鐵人三項... 最近好像舉辦了很多場鐵人三項比賽.
Last year I didn't even join a triathlon. I guess I just didn't feel like it. There was also all that business about the Flowing Lake, and the County Government trying to keep people out of it. So for a while I stopped swimming at the lake, and I haven't been back until recently. 去年我沒有參加鐵人三項. 我去年只是不想參加那種比賽. 也因為縣政府不讓人在活水湖游泳一事, 所以我很久沒去游泳. 直到最近才又去那邊游泳.
I did join the East Coast Bike "Race". The weather was great that day, and my time wasn't bad. I finished tired, but not crushingly so. A lot of the "super pro" cyclists avoid this event because there's no prize money, but this isn't a problem for me. I plan on doing it again next semester. 我參加了東海岸單車活動. 那一天的天氣真好, 我完賽的時間也不錯. 完成的時候並不覺得非常累. 很多好手因為沒有獎金而沒參加這個活動, 可是對我來說這不算問題. 我下學期還要再一次參加.
I also joined two half marathons. One of these was in Tainan, and I wrote about it in the Running on Fumes entry. The other was the Taitung Marathon, held in Taitung City's forest park, which I failed to complete. 我也參加了兩場半馬拉松. 一場在台南. 在那之後我在臭氣路跑的文章中介紹過了. 另外一場是在台東市森林公園舉辦的台東馬拉松. 那場我沒跑完.
And why did I fail to complete it? Because halfway through the race I had to run behind a tree and relieve myself - or perhaps I should say detonate. Haven't had diarrhea that bad in a while. Definitely not a good time for me. 為甚麼沒跑完呢? 因為跑到一半我肚子痛去樹下解決. 我很久沒有發生過那麼嚴重的拉肚子. 超不好玩!
I also joined a "fun run" for charity. My younger daughter wanted to run the 4.5k, and she wanted me to go with her. Unfortunately she only ran about 2k before she decided that running SUCKED, and the remaining 2.5k was spent listening to her talk about how tired and hot she was. 我另外也參加了保護兒童的路跑. 我的小女兒參加4.5公里的, 她要我跟她一起跑. 可惜的是她跑兩公里以後就覺得跑步不好玩, 最後2.5公里都要聽她說自己很熱很累.
Ah well. They can't all be winners, can they? And at least the bike race was fun. Hopefully this year's athletic events will be rewarding experiences. I'll be joining the Tainan Old Capital Half Marathon, the East Coast Bike Race, the Puyuma Triathlon, and maybe also the 197 bike race in August. 真煩! 不可能每場運動比賽都很好玩, 對不對? 希望這學年要參加的活動都值得去. 我要參加的是台南古都馬拉松, 東海岸單車活動, 普悠瑪鐵人三項, 可能還要參加明年八月的197單車比賽.
August will be hot for sure, so if you're joining the 197, be sure to bring enough water! 八月一定很熱, 所以參加197的選手要記得帶很多水喔!
3. The Justice League of America v. Taiwan (Part One of Three) (October 2015)
Back in the late 70s, after Taiwan lost its seat in the U.N., the Taipei Economic and Cultural Affairs Office (TECO), organized an island-wide activity to reaffirm America's commitment to a free and democratic Taiwan.
To this end they invited America's most famous superheroes, the Justice League of America, over for a tour of Taiwan. They would have invited the Marvel superheroes as well, but they were already engaged in a similar "goodwill tour" of Mainland Chinese industrial centers. This kind of situation was an often-seen result of Kissinger-era geopolitics, with the DC and the Marvel superheroes serving different, and sometimes competing, goals within U.S. foreign policy.
Early on it was agreed that only half of the League would tour Taiwan during the first week, with the other half touring Taiwan during the second week. At that time the JLA's roster consisted of Superman, Batman, Wonder Woman, the Green Lantern, the Martian Manhunter, and the Flash, so for the purposes of the tour the superheroes were divided into two groups of three. Superman, Wonder Woman, and Batman would visit first, and during the following week the Green Lantern, the Martian Manhunter, and the Flash would visit after the first three superheroes had departed.
The anticipation was palpable at the new Chiang Kai-shek Memorial Airport as Superman, Wonder Woman, and Batman arrived in Taiwan. Wonder Woman was flying her invisible jet, Batman piloted his Batwing, and Superman characteristically descended without the aid of machinery.
"Greetings, Taiwan!" said Superman to enormous applause. President Chiang Ching-kuo and the head of the TECO office were seated before them, in front of a huge welcoming committee, and they had risen along with many others to greet the Man of Steel. As Chiang Ching-kuo offered a warm, Western-style handshake to Superman he ogled Wonder Woman, taking in the bounty of her Amazonian form and her scarcity of clothing. Batman he also greeted warmly, commenting upon the auspicious nature of bats in traditional Chinese culture.
“I got lost three times on the way over here,”fumbled Wonder Woman as she timidly shook the President’s hand. “You know how we women are with directions! Why if I didn’t have these two fellows to point me in the right direction, I never would have made it!”
Back then north Taiwan was much dirtier than it is now, and much more difficult to navigate. The airport (which we now refer to as Terminal 1) where the superheroes met the representatives of the R.O.C., had just been constructed, and most of the roads between there and Taipei, the capital, were in bad condition. A newer two-lane highway led from the airport to Taiwan's first freeway, itself not much older than the airport, yet besides these few, gleaming symbols of modernity there were endless small villages between rice fields, canals choked with refuse, and tanned, squinting farmers who emerged from brick houses within view of the airport.
"What a dump," whispered Superman as they were ushered into a waiting limousine. "This place has nothing on Metropolis."
Various officials ushered the Americans into a waiting limousine. The President was in a second limousine, with the three superheroes’ limousine following at a respectful distance. Having passed through the formalities of their arrival, the superheroes allowed themselves to relax a bit, and gave vent to some of the feelings and impressions that had been forming since they had approached the island. It had looked very beautiful as they had flown in from the east, but on the ground Taiwan took on a different cast.
"Fucking chinks," said the Man of Steel as he put an arm around Wonder Woman, "I figured this place would look like shit. These people don't know how to take care of themselves. They're dirty. After I became mayor of Metropolis, one of the first things I did was to kick them out. You can't trust these people. They're shifty!"
"You might want to tone down the racial talk," said Batman from the other side of the car, "The driver might be listening to us."
"I don't give a shit," said Superman. Then, to Wonder Woman, "Isn't that right, honey?"
"Anyway," added the Kryptonian to Batman, "After we get settled in Taipei we'll get you set up with some Asian pussy, Bruce! I know what a pussy fiend you are!"
And as he said this the driver smirked knowingly, his eyes glinting at the three from the rearview mirror. The limousine exited onto the island's main freeway, and they headed north toward Taipei.
At that time Taipei lacked the gleaming glass and steel high-rises that it's known for today. The buildings were much lower to the ground, and brown, white, and gray were the dominant colors. The mountains, however, still gleamed emerald around the capital, and the skies still shimmered with a subtropical haze.
Superman, Batman, and Wonder Woman were put up in a hotel near the Presidential Palace. This hotel was very Western in appearance, with large windows and a swimming pool.
The superheroes were treated to a Western-style breakfast with various functionaries, and afterward they were led to a large auditorium where speeches were given. Chiang Ching-kuo was the first to give a speech, which was followed by speeches by several other members of the government. These speeches were translated from Mandarin into English for the superheroes, and at various points in the speeches Superman farted loudly.
Then the Americans took the stage. Superman offered a short yet rambling speech that made little sense to anyone. Batman offered a better speech stressing economic cooperation. Wonder Woman encouraged the women of Taiwan to be more submissive to their husbands, and to never try too hard at sports.
Later that evening there was a gala dinner held for the visiting superpowered dignitaries at the hotel where they were staying. A popular Taiwanese singer commanded the stage, and members of the audience started dancing around an open space in the center of the ballroom. Batman found himself the center of female attention that evening, with several unaccompanied females surrounding him at a corner table. Wonder Woman and Superman found themselves alone at another table, and they took great pleasure in ignoring those who ventured near them.
"Look at that guy," said Superman to his Amazonian companion, "Guy could get pussy at a faggot convention. Well at least I've got you, right honey? And oh yeah - I've got Lois, too! Good thing she can't see us here together! Think of how jealous she'd be!"
Wonder Woman gazed off into the distance, not wanting to encourage him. The term "date rape" hadn't been invented yet, but it would have described Kal-el's method of courtship perfectly. She could feel his eyes upon her breasts, and hoped that his heat vision wouldn't leave any marks upon her person.
Just then a familiar-looking waiter came over and offered them two glasses, each containing a green liquid. "What the hell is this?" asked Superman.
"It is a drink my company has invented," said the waiter. "I call it Super Supau. It is what we are calling a sports drink. Soon you Americans will have them as well. It will give you energy!"
"Really?" scoffed Superman, "Well I am tired. Looks weird though. Anyway, down the hatch..."
The waiter's eyes glinted as the two superheroes drank down the proffered beverage. It was only then that Wonder Woman recognized him as the man who had driven their limousine the day before.
"Tastes funny, too," said Superman, "But I kind of..."
He stopped, and slowly rose to his feet. "But I kind of..."
And then clutching at his belly, he emitted the most pitiful groan that Wonder Woman had ever heard, and dropped to the floor, stone dead.
"Yes," said the waiter/driver, "Super Supau. And the active ingredient is kryptonite. I learned about such things in Metropolis, where I attended university. Just before you had us ‘chinks’ kicked out!"
"Oh my God! You've killed him!" shouted Wonder Woman, "You murderer!"
But the waiter/driver had already disappeared into the dancing couples before she had finished her exclamation, and no one heard them over the music. She looked down at the corpse of Superman, wondering what else could go wrong, and why.
Wonder Woman grew quite hysterical after the death of Superman, to the point that a tranquilizer was dropped into a glass of water and given to her. Several hotel staff members carried her back to her room, where she awoke the next morning.
As for Batman, he was nowhere to be found. Wonder Woman arose from bed very confused the following morning, and her inquiries into the whereabouts of Batman were all met with an embarrassed silence.
Eventually she had to remind herself that she was a superhero, too, and that even though it was the men who did all the heavy lifting, and jar opening, and all of the really heroic tasks, she had learned a thing or two on Paradise Island. She could bake an upside-down cake, couldn't she? She could mend a tear in Aquaman's chain-mail, couldn't she? And who else could operate the Justice League's washer/dryer unit if not her?
So, after gathering up all of her Amazonian courage, after carefully applying her makeup and combing her long, lustrous black hair, she left her room and accosted the first person she met. "WHERE IS BATMAN?!" she roared at the helpless maid, "WHAT HAVE YOU PEOPLE DONE WITH BATMAN?!?"
A police officer quickly walked over from the other end of the hall, and after placing himself between the maid and the furious Amazon he took her to a room downstairs, where he seated her at a table. Soon another man in a suit arrived, and he sat down across from her. They were in a small room on the first floor, and there were many windows looking out on the hotel's swimming pool. Wonder Woman had been unconscious since the previous night, and she was surprised to learn that the day was well advanced.
"I know you are distressed after the events of last night," said the man in the suit. The policeman remained in the room, standing behind him. "And I want you to know that the authorities are still searching for Superman's killer. But we have located your associate Batman, though I doubt you'll be happy once you learn where he is."
As they spoke several other guests of the hotel peered through the large windows at Wonder Woman. It wasn't every day that you saw a superhero.
"Well, where is he?" she said. "Can you take me to him?"
The man in the suit considered this for a moment, and then nodded in assent. "Yes," he answered, "I think it is better if I do. If I tell you, I don't think you'll believe me."
With that Wonder Woman followed the man in the suit out of the hotel, and they entered a waiting police car. The policeman from the hotel was behind the wheel, and he left the hotel's main entrance without any instructions from the man in the suit.
"Where are we going?" said Wonder Woman.
The man in the suit was very careful with his words. "It is," he said, "A local tourist attraction, not far from here. Only a few minutes, and we'll be there. Your companion was found there early this morning, and there was nothing we could do."
"Nothing you could do?" she asked, "Is he alright? Has he been hurt?"
"Again," said the man very carefully, "I think it's better if you see for yourself. In a short time you will understand everything."
"OK," gulped the Amazonian, "But... what about Superman? After last night..."
"Arrangements have been made with your government," said the man in the suit. "There is no need to worry about him, though of course we are very sorry for your loss."
The car pulled to a stop along a crowded street, and in front of them there was an alley, over which a sign in Chinese stood. Taxis buzzed back and forth, and Wonder Woman had to squint her eyes against the glare of the sun. She remembered the alley from somewhere. A picture she had seen...
"This is Huaxi Street Night Market," said the man in the suit, "Also referred to as 'Snake Alley' in some foreign guidebooks. Do you know what this place is famous for?"
"Snakes?" said Wonder Woman timidly. She could recall hearing the name before, but... what did all of this have to do with Batman?
"Not only snakes," pursued the man, "There are many other exotic foods to be found here. It seems that after the party last night, your Batman accompanied several other guests here. He was of course very intoxicated by that point, and..."
"And what?" said Wonder Woman. She was growing impatient with the proceedings, and something about the man in the suit's manner disturbed her. Every time he spoke the policeman cast his eyes to the ground, afraid to meet her gaze.
"Again, I think it's better if I just show you," said the man in the suit. Follow us into the alley. This way please."
She did as she was told. They walked a short distance across a garbage-strewn street, and entered into the dark confines of the alley. It occurred to her that this was a place where Batman would feel most comfortable, where he would be most inclined to drop his guard. There was a narrow, shadowed lane between food stalls where she saw snakes in cages, turtles in water tanks, and low tables where a few people sat on stools, eating. The back of the alley was separated from the rest of the market by several lengths of yellow police tape, the kind used to mark the scene of a crime.
"You'll have to understand that he came here at night," began the man in the suit, "Dressed as a bat..."
"Oh my God!" shrieked Wonder Woman, just before she fainted.
"Yes," said the man in the suit. "I would have explained at the hotel, but I didn't think you would believe me."
Because there, at the farthest removed table in Snake Alley, at the most shadowed of all the tables there, they found the remains of Batman. He had come into the stalls dressed as a giant bat of course, and somewhere, in the midst of their nighttime revels, his companions had eaten him. His partially devoured head swam in a bowl of soup in the center of the table, and around the perimeter of the table the man in the suit could see some of Batman’s larger bones, dishes composed of his meat fried with peppers, and many, many bottles of rice wine. It had been a grand feast, and Batman had been the guest of honor.
"Help me get her back to the hotel," said the man in the suit. "I think she's seen enough."
As could be imagined, by Thursday Wonder Woman was ready to leave Taiwan. She was heavily sedated, she had broken a nail or two at Snake Alley, and in her dreams recurred the images of both Superman’s and Batman’s untimely demises.
A limousine drove her back to the Chiang Kai-shek International Airport. The only trouble was finding her invisible jet. It had somehow been moved during her absence, and since no one could see it they had no easy way of finding it. Airport workers fanned out in every direction like blind men, their outstretched arms searching for the vanished jet.
Eventually they found it parked on a nearby rice field. It was a lot of work to pull it back onto the tarmac, but after hours of labor they succeeded in positioning it at the end of a runway. At least they thought they had positioned it at the end of a runway. Not being able to see it, it was difficult to tell.
After this they led the heavily sedated Wonder Woman to her invisible jet. As they did so she rambled on incoherently about cannibalism and poisoners, most of her words slurred and indistinct. "You killd em," muttered the Amazonian, "Yer guys killd... superdrink... what cud I do..."
Nearly tranquilized into unconsciousness, she unsteadily climbed the invisible ladder up into the cockpit of her invisible jet. She muttered some kind of farewell as the invisible cockpit (they assumed) closed, and then they heard the sound of engines. President Chiang Ching-kuo was not there to witness her departure, as the deaths of both Superman and Batman were seen as a major loss of face for the Republic of China.
The roar of invisible engines cut through the chatter, and Wonder Woman began to accelerate down the runway. It was only as she thus accelerated that the crowd noticed her form begin to slump over the invisible controls. Had she fainted again? Was it the sedatives? For a moment she ascended upward at a ninety degree angle - perhaps a hundred feet or so from the ground - and then, to everyone's horror, the sound of her engines ceased, and she began to descend backwards towards the airport.
Then there was a great explosion, and Wonder Woman was no more.
"Fuck," said the suited man in English, "How am I supposed to explain this?"
"Is everything OK over there?" said the President of the United States to the head of the TECO office in Taipei, "We've been getting some reports."
"Sure, everything's fine, sir," answered the man in the TECO office, "Nothing to worry about. Superman just had a bit of indigestion at the dinner. Batman? He... might have caused some indigestion. Wonder Woman is at the airport now, on the runway. Nothing to worry about at all."
And with that the head of the TECO office said his goodbyes and hung up. I am so fired, he thought. And in a couple days the other three will be here.
The really annoying thing about an invisible jet is finding and disposing of all the wreckage. Wonder Woman had been incinerated in the explosion, so all that remained was finding all the parts of her jet, and depositing them in the nearest landfill.
Batman's remains mostly took care of themselves. When the police returned to Snake Alley, the rest of him had been consumed. His fried bits had been eaten, and his bones had been used for soup. For days the "giant bat pot" was the talk of the town.
Superman's corpse was the only real problem. His body didn't decay in the normal fashion, and the authorities worried that his corpse would stand as evidence against them. Then, in an inspired decision, they dressed him as Chiang Kai-shek and bronzed him. He remains to this day in front of the National Palace Museum, where he gazes down upon Chinese and non-Chinese visitors alike. It was decided that this was the best way to honor the Man of Steel, since his love for his Chinese brothers and sisters was well known.
"I am so fired," said the head of the TECO office as he looked upon the statue for the first time. "I think it's time I took that vacation I've got coming. I'd rather not be around when the next set of superheroes arrive!"
4. How Not to Get to Our House by Going the Wrong Way 迷路了 (October 2015)
What? No GPS? Where are you? 什麼? GPS沒用? 你們在哪裡?
Jung Hua Road? Where on Jung Hua Road? Downtown? Near the Forest Park? On the way to Jer Ben? 中華路? 中華路哪裡? 在市區嗎? 還是靠近森林公園? 還是往知本的方向?
Oh, OK. Jung Hua and Ma Heng Heng. Which way are you facing? Is the Forest Park in front of you? Or are you headed into town? 好, 好. 中華跟馬亨亨那個路口. 你們面對哪一個方向? 森林公園在你前面嗎? 還是你們正往市區的方向?
Got it. So take a left onto Ma Heng Heng. Yeah, follow that for a while. Keep going. Do you see the big brown apartment complex on your left? Yeah, take a left there. Now you're on a big road, right? There should be a 7-11 on your right. Stop there and I'll come over. 我知道了. 你們要在馬亨亨左轉. 順著那條路沒錯. 繼續走. 你們看到左邊一棟咖啡色的公寓大樓嗎? 對, 在那裡左轉. 現在你們在一條大馬路上對不對? 你們右邊應該有一家7-11. 在那邊停車, 我過去找你們.
Dinner? I don't know. We'll decide when you get here. I know a few places. 晚餐? 我不知道. 你們到我們家後再決定. 我知道幾家餐廳.
What? No 7-11? Where are you now? A big intersection? A big intersection where? What do you see? What road are you on? 什麼? 沒有7-11! 你們在哪裡? 大路口嗎? 哪一個大路口? 你們看到什麼? 你們在哪一條路上?
Jung Shing and Geng Sheng? You went too far. Take a left there, onto Geng Sheng. Keep going down. You'll come to a big traffic circle. On your right there'll be a furniture store, and on your left there'll be a big white building with a post office on the first floor. You see it? Good, take a left there. 中興跟更生嗎? 你們走太遠了. 從那邊左轉到更生路, 順著路直走. 你們會到一個大圓形的交叉路口. 你們右邊會有一家家具店, 左邊會有棟白色的大樓. 白色大樓的一樓是郵局. 看到嗎? 好. 在那裡左轉.
Now you're on Chuan Guang Road, right? OK, keep going straight. You'll go through a big intersection. Keep going straight. OK, there will be a 7-11 on your right. Do you see it? Stop there. 你們在傳廣路吧. 好, 要直走. 你們會經過一個大路口. 繼續走. 好, 你們右邊應該有一家7-11. 看到嗎? 在那裏停車.
What? No 7-11? How are you not seeing the 7-11? Where are you now? OK, then what do you see? 什麼? 沒有7-11喔. 沒看到7-11? 你們在哪裡? 好, 好. 你們看到什麼東西?
A school? Is it Bao Sang Junior High? Man, you're going the wrong way. Where are you now? Ma Heng Heng? Oh man, you need to stop. 學校嗎? 是不是寶桑國中? 天啊! 你們走錯路了. 現在在哪裡? 馬亨亨對不對? 你們需要把車停下來.
Just stay there. I'm coming over. 停在那邊就好了. 我現在過去!
5. The Price of Nature 大自然的價值 (November 2015)
Starting next year, they will charge visitors a fee of 30 NT before they enter Taitung's Forest Park. Residents of Taitung County will not need to pay this fee. 從明年開始, 台東森林公園將對觀光客收取30元的門票. 台東縣居民則不用門票.
If you want to read about this in Chinese, click here. Thanks to 潘俊偉 (Pan Jun-wei), a reporter with the United News Network, for his report. 如果要看中文報導的話請按這裡. 謝謝聯合新聞網潘俊偉記者的報導.
As for the reason for the fee, the article goes on to say... 明年要買票的原因? 報導中說...
"台東縣政府農業處長許瑞貴說，縣府每年投入約1千萬元經費，進行森林公園維護，對縣府財政是一大負擔，基於使用者付費精神，已研擬自治條例，向入園的遊客收取門票費用，預估每年可增加約1千萬元收入，用於園區養護人力與福利、設施或硬體的相關維護經費用。" The head of the Taitung County Government Agricultural Bureau, Shu Duan-gui, said that the county government spends about 10 million to maintain the park each year. This is a great burden on the county government's financial resources. With the assistance of user fees and new regulations which will be enacted, they will likely generate 10 million to be used for park preservation, human resources, and related facilities and equipment.
The article goes on to state that four fee stations will be established, one at the park's main entrance on Ma Heng Heng Boulevard, and another at the "Green Water Bridge" adjoining the Seashore Park. There will also be a parking fee for the big parking lot outside the main entrance. 報導中說他們會設置四個收費亭. 一個在馬亨亨大道的大入口, 一個在靠近海濱公園的綠水橋. 在大門口旁邊的停車場也要收費.
The article concludes by stating two points of view on this plan to collect fees for park use. One resident states that park upkeep is expensive, and fees allow the county government to both maintain and improve the park. Another resident states that having to bring their ID to the park will be an annoyance for local people. I asked a couple coworkers about this new policy, and they shared the same concerns. 報導的最後也訪問了兩位居民的意見. 其中一位說縣政府養護公園很貴, 所以公園收費將會幫很大的忙. 另一位說當地居民每次去森林公園都要帶證件很麻煩. 我問了兩個同事對這件事的意見. 他們也持同樣看法.
As for me, I won't mind having to bring my ID to the Forest Park. And when I think about how many tour groups pass in and out of that park daily, it makes sense that they should subsidize the park's upkeep in some fashion. I just hope that the revenue thus generated really goes back into the park - and that it helps create new parks if possible. Green spaces are important to any city, and both protecting the ones we have and creating new ones should be a priority. 對我來說, 要帶證件去森林公園沒有問題. 每天有那麼多旅行團到森林公園參觀使用, 他們買門票幫我們養護森林公園是當然的事. 我只希望門票的錢真的是用在養護公園上, 這也可能幫助縣政府建設新的公園. 綠地對所有的城市很重要, 保護存在的綠地跟創造新的綠地都很重要.
6. The Justice League of America v. Taiwan (Part Two of Three) (November 2015)
I. The curtains open upon the Justice League headquarters, where the Flash, the Martian Manhunter, and the Green Lantern are gathered before a computer screen. All three heroes look worried.
The Flash: Still no word from Superman, Batman, or Wonder Woman. What could’ve gone wrong?
Green Lantern: Yes, it's odd they haven't reported back yet. It was just a routine diplomatic mission to Taiwan, after all.
Martian Manhunter: At any rate, we'll be able to investigate their disappearance while we are there. Now that a week has passed, it is our turn to visit Taiwan, and to discover what dangers may lurk there.
The Flash: Yes, and as we appear to be characters in a play, the next scene will find us on the island. No need for airplanes and airports!
Martian Manhunter: Flash, as usual your Earth humor confounds me. What is this "play" you speak of? And how can we be characters in it if we have not elected to perform? I think that perhaps you are dehydrated again, and that you are hallucinating.
Green Lantern: Yes, my friend. Have a gatorade. One of the green flavors, of course.
End scene.
II. Martian Manhunter and Green Lantern arrive in Taipei. They are standing in front of the Presidential Palace. They lost sight of the Flash just outside of Justice League headquarters, and there has been no sign of him since.
Green Lantern: Where's Barry?
Martian Manhunter: I don't know. I cannot locate his mind anywhere. It could be that he has gone somewhere beyond the range of my powers, though why this is I do not know. Perhaps he felt the need to return home and masturbate. I am told he does this often.
Green Lantern: Could be. Anyway let's find this Chiang Ching-kuo fella, and see what he's about. Maybe he knows where Batman, Superman, and Wonder Woman are.
Martian Manhunter: Yes, let's do that.
The two heroes enter the confines of the palace, where they find Chiang Ching-kuo sporting with one of his many mistresses.
Chiang Ching-kuo: A-ya! Ni men liang ge dzai gan shen me?
Green Lantern [embarrassed]: What?
Chiang Ching-kuo: Ni men dze me ke yi je yang dze sui sui bien bien de jin lai? Wo de guan li yuan dzai nai li? Ta men dzai da ma jiang, dui bu dui?
Green Lantern [to Martian Manhunter]: What's he saying?
Martian Manhunter: He is upset that we have intruded upon his revels with this young girl. He is wondering where his security guards are, and whether or not they are playing something called "ma jiang." He does not know that I have used my telepathic powers to render his security forces senseless.
Green Lantern: OK, but does he know where Superman, Batman, and Wonder Woman are?
Martian Manhunter: Yes, I think he does. It seems... Yes, it seems that our comrades have met with a series of unfortunate accidents while visiting this island, and that they are with us no longer.
Green Lantern: What? Dead? How did this happen?
Martian Manhunter: It seems that Superman drank something called "super supau." Batman was eaten - accidentally. Wonder Woman crashed her jet while attempting to leave. The man who poisoned Superman has thus far evaded the police, who are searching for him, and I can detect no foul play in the deaths of Batman and Wonder Woman.
Green Lantern: Superman was poisoned? Well then, we'll have to help find his killer!
Martian Manhunter: Yes, but this man does not know anything that is of any use to us, and he is well apprised of the police investigation that is underway. Fortunately I can use my telepathic powers to find the poisoner. If he is still on the island, a routine patrol ought to put me near enough to detect him, and I also know from the President here what he looks like.
Green Lantern: Great! Let's get going!
The two heroes leave the Presidential Palace, while Chiang Ching-kuo and his mistress look on in stunned silence.
Chiang Ching-kuo: Damn, I thought they'd never leave!
End scene two.
III. Back at the Justice League headquarters, the Flash has returned. He spends a few moments looking for his companions.
The Flash: Those guys took off fast! This is what I get for going home and jerking off! No matter, I can always catch up! I'll just have to run a bit faster this time!
The Flash runs offstage.
End scene three.
IV. Back in Taiwan, where the Green Lantern and the Martian Manhunter have entered a large factory. Beakers of bubbling liquids and pipes of all sizes fill the room they are in. At one end of the stage a man dressed in a lab coat performs chemical experiments.
Green Lantern [to Martian Manhunter]: So this is the guy? You're sure?
Martian Manhunter: Yes, this is him. He has been expecting us.
Green Lantern: Alright, fucker! Prepare to get... justified!
Just then the man in the lab coat looks up from the table where he is working and smiles. He is very calm.
Man in Lab Coat: Well hello, my foreign friends. How are you?
Martian Manhunter: Villain! It was you who murdered Superman! You can explain yourself to the authorities!
Green Lantern: Yeah!
Man in Lab Coat: Yes, I expected you would say something like that.
Using his ring, the Green Lantern creates a giant green hammer, with which he intends to smash the man behind the table. He does not notice, however, that underneath his white lab coat the man is wearing a yellow jumpsuit. As the hammer comes down, the man also places a yellow hat upon his head, and discards the lab coat he is wearing. The hammer destroys the table and everything upon it, but the man remains where he is, untouched.
Man in Yellow Jumpsuit: Yes, I figured you'd do something like that. You two have always been the lamest and most predictable members of the Justice League.
Green Lantern: Lame? Predictable? I'll show you lame and predictable!
And then the Green Lantern uses his ring to create a giant green net, which likewise passes through the man without harming him.
Man in Yellow Jumpsuit: Yes, very lame. What good is a superhero that is powerless against ripe bananas, lemons, post-it notes, or anything else that's yellow? All I have to do is turn something yellow and you're as helpless as a baby!
Green Lantern: Shut up, you! Or I'll--
But before he can finish this sentence the man in the yellow jumpsuit has produced a yellow baseball bat, with which he knocks the Green Lantern senseless. The Martian Manhunter can only look on as his companion is knocked to the floor.
Martian Manhunter: You monster! How dare you! You haven't beaten us yet!
Man in Yellow Jumpsuit: No? Well what about this?
He pulls out a lighter from one of his jumpsuit's many pockets.
Martian Manhunter: What? No! How did you--
Man in Yellow Jumpsuit: Come on, man... hunter. We have your comic books like everyone else. Of course everyone in Taiwan knows that your weakness is fire! It's even in the cartoon!
And as the man advances all the Martian Manhunter can do is retreat towards the door. He looks mournfully towards the fallen Green Lantern, but he is powerless against the lighter in the man's hand. The man flicks his thumb against the lighter and a large, unwavering flame flickers forth, striking fear into the heart of the last remaining Martian.
Martian Manhunter [as he slips out the door]: Why... you... you haven't won yet! I... We'll be back, I tell you! We'll be back!
Man in Yellow Jumpsuit: Yes, I'm sure you will. And I'll have more lighters and candles handy for when that happens! Goodbye!
The Martian Manhunter leaves. The Man in the Yellow Jumpsuit returns to his table, setting it aright.
Man in Yellow Jumpsuit: Superheroes. So predictable. Always poking their noses where they don't belong. At least the Lantern didn't upset my experiments too much. I'll have this right again in no time. I think--
By sports drink Kal-el met his end,
By Krypton filtered did portend,
His gasping choke as ballroom dancing,
Did prevent his last romancing.
Batman, carried to the street,
Was later tendered into meat,
Over rice wine served with golden rice,
I'm told he tasted mighty nice.
And Wonder Woman, drugged and faint,
Was later told with great restraint,
How both in League were here no longer,
And then, at last, her jet did wrong her.
Later still, with Lantern full of rage,
Yet tortured by the yellowed page,
I knock him henceforth to the floor,
From there towards the factory door.
The Martian hunting also keen,
But fire had not yet lost its sheen,
I think he'll not be back again,
For festive fires will yet offend.
For all, there's yet one left to fight,
Yet I will not leave on the light,
For he has run so far, so far I fear,
That he will overpass the years I'm here.
Green Lantern [stirring from unconsciousness]: Uhhh... dude. What are you talking about? What is that? Poetry or something? I thought... I mean Flash said... are we in a poem or a play?
Man in Yellow Jumpsuit [hitting him in the head again]: Neither, my friend. Now if you don't mind, I'll return to my experiments. Having invented the sports drink of the future, I will now set about inventing a new kind of Taiwan beer! Yes! Gold Medal - your time has come!
End scene four.
EXT - AFTERNOON - THE PACIFIC OCEAN
Flash: Hey, wasn't this supposed to be a play?
AGAIN. EXT - AFTERNOON - THE PACIFIC OCEAN
Flash: Okay, okay. No need to get worked up about it! So what am I doing, anyway?
The Flash is using his super speed to run over the ocean. As he is in a hurry to reach his companions, he accelerates too quickly, leaving the surface of the globe. Moving faster than light, he passes around the curvature of the known universe, thus traveling forward in time over 35 years, to the year 2015, when this play/screenplay/poem/story was written.
Flash: But wait, wouldn't passing around the curvature of the known universe mean that I was traveling backward in time, and not forward? Wouldn't it be 35 years before the “present” date, or about 1943?
No, not if you apply Hindu cosmology - which is cyclical in nature - to the play/screenplay/poem/story at hand. In one sense you'd be traveling backward, but you would pass beyond the present age, or yuga, to the one before it. As history endlessly repeats itself, you would find yourself in the year 2015 of the previous age. Got it?
Flash: No, but let's pretend it all makes sense to me. So I've traveled into the future, it's 2015, and...
EXT - AFTERNOON - THE PACIFIC OCEAN
The Flash arrives in Taiwan, unaware that he has not only arrived late, but missed his companions’ arrival by several decades. He comes to a stop in Taitung, on the east coast of Taiwan in the hopes of tracking them down. It is a scenic, beachfront community resembling Hawaii minus all the big hotels (for now).
Flash: Whew! Boy am I tired! I feel like I just ran around the curvature of the universe! I'll have to track down one of the locals and figure out where to start looking for the Green Lantern and the Martian Manhunter!
The Flash knocks on the nearest door, in the nearest village.
Flash: Hello? Hello? Is anyone there?
Local Person: Ni gan she me? Ni chuan she me chi guai de yi fu?
Flash: None of these people speak English! But wait, I see a white man over there!
The Flash races over to the author of this story and his family. They are walking back up the stairs from the beach in front of the abandoned hotel. They are very sandy and very tired.
Flash: Hello, do you speak English?
Me: Why yes I do. I'm also the person writing this screenplay.
Flash: What?
Me: I'm not really here, you see. I'm typing this in my living room, in a city south of here. I am imagining all of this.
Flash: What?
Me: Oh anyway, how can I help you, Flash?
Flash: I'm trying to find the Green Lantern and the Martian Manhunter! Has there been anything in the news about them?
Me: Well, you're about 35 years too late to do them any good. Martian Manhunter made the mistake of hiding in a park during Chinese New Year. I believe he was posing as a tree. Anyway, they started setting off firecrackers and bottle rockets while he was there, and the poor guy had a heart attack.
Flash: Oh my God!
Me: Yes, in this instance I might just be your God. But yeah, the Martian Manhunter didn't end well. But I think the Green Lantern made out OK. He later moved out to Taitung, took up surfing, and opened Hal's English School up in Dulan, about ten minutes away. You can't miss it. Just head up the highway here, and when you get to the town on top of the hill you'll see the sign on the right.
Flash: Great! Thanks so much! And about that other stuff you said...
Me: Don't worry about it. I was just killing time on the computer.
The Flash speeds away, and the author of this story and his family return to their red Nissan Tiida. His wife and children tell him that the Flash was a hallucination, and that he was talking to a nearby palm tree. He responds that there is a fine line between hallucination and imagination, and that it may just be the case that he was the one imagining all of them all along.
EXT - DULAN VILLAGE - AFTERNOON
The Flash slowed to a stop as this screenplay became a story. It was a bit dizzying at first, primarily because all of his actions shifted into the past tense. “Goes” became “went,” “runs” became “ran,” and “does” became “did.”
Being a very speedy, active sort of person, this use of the past tense annoyed him. He was always waiting for what he did to catch up to his present understanding of events, or for his past understanding to inform his present actions. Having already traveled around the curvature of the universe, having already traveled 35 years into the future by traveling countless eons into the past (as the Hindus would have it), he now had to contend with this difficulty at considerable mental expense. He had run far, he was growing tired, and he still hadn't found his friend the Green Lantern.
The cram school mentioned by the (strikingly handsome) foreign man was easily located. It was on Highway 11, the main route through the town, just after a gas station. There was a sign over a house reading "Hal's English School," and the Os in "School" had been painted to resemble Hal Jordan's power ring.
The Flash entered the house without knocking, and inside the living room he found Hal Jordan, the Green Lantern, teaching a class of five elementary school students. He was wearing surf shorts and a T-shirt, and since the Flash had last seen him he'd gained several pounds and lost a lot of hair.
"Cat," said Hal Jordan to the class, slightly disconcerted by the scarlet speedster's arrival, "C-A-T. Cat. Is the cat big?"
"No," said all of the students, the class's attention fixed on a picture from an English book, in which a cat slept on a table. "The cat is not big."
"Well," said the former (?) Green Lantern, "That's all for today, kids. Don't forget your pencil boxes! See you next week!"
"See you next week," said the students in unison. They stood up together and began walking out the door. The Flash's uniform drew several exclamations from the students as they filed out of the room. "Is it Halloween?" said one.
After they had left, the Flash found himself alone with the teacher, who gestured him to sit down in one of the student's chairs. The room was very small, and decorated with English-learning posters and several bookshelves holding books. At the Flash's back the students peered through the outside window, curious as to the Flash’s identity, and why he was wearing such strange clothes.
"Good to see you," said Hal Jordan without further ado, "How have you been?"
"Fine," answered the Flash. "But I guess I'm getting here a little late. You want to tell me what happened?"
The former Green Lantern had to think about this for a moment. Where should he begin? How to explain it all? "Well," he finally began, "You last saw me in… what? 77? 78? Back at headquarters?"
"Yeah," said the Flash, "But I was in too much of a hurry, so I accidentally ran around the curvature of the universe. I know it's a long time for you, but for me it was yesterday, or at least the last Hindu epoch, or something like that."
"Huh?"
"Forget it. So what happened after you guys got here? All those years ago?"
"OK," the Green Lantern began again, "So... we were looking for Superman, Batman, and Wonder Woman, right? Well, as it turns out they were dead before we got here. Superman got poisoned, Batman got eaten, and Wonder Woman crashed her jet. After that the Martian Manhunter and I went looking for the guy who poisoned Superman, and then he knocked me out with a yellow baseball bat. While I was unconscious he pulled a lighter on the Martian Manhunter, and he went running into a park, and some people were lighting off fireworks, and that was it for J’onzz."
The Flash took a few minutes to process all of this. Had the Justice League really been defeated so easily? "And how did you get away from Superman's poisoner?" he said after a long time, "Did you catch him? Did you find a way to defeat him?"
Hal Jordan just smiled at this. "No," he said, "He just let me go. He flushed my ring down the toilet while I was out, and I haven't seen it since. I was too embarrassed to go back to America after that, so I found a girl, settled down, and had some kids."
"But what about the guy who took your ring? The guy who killed Superman? Didn't you want to bring him to justice?"
"I thought about it, yeah, but what could I do? I didn't have my ring anymore, and there was no one left to call. I thought for a while that you might show up, but after a couple years I figured it just wasn't going to happen."
"So you just... started teaching English?"
"Sure, why not? What else was I supposed to do? It pays better than being in the Justice League - that's for sure."
"And what about Superman?"
"What about Superman? Face it, Barry, the guy was a major asshole. His poisoner did the world a favor."
"But..."
"But what? There's nothing left to fight for anymore, Barry. Why not just hang out here for a while? I've been checking the charts and the surf looks good today. I've got an extra board I can loan you. What do you say?"
The Flash turned to look at the kids, still staring at the two adults through the screened windows. What could he say? He couldn't argue that Superman hadn't been worth doing in, but questions still nagged at him, and doubts lingered.
"I can't stay here," the Flash finally said, "Not until I know how Batman and Wonder Woman died. I need answers."
"Answers?" laughed the Green Lantern, "Answers to what? It's just Taiwan, man. It just doesn't agree with some people. Up is down here. And left is right. You'll learn that eventually."
But "eventually" was spoken to the Flash's back as he emerged from the house. He had already decided to run to Taipei, and once there he planned to investigate what had really happened during that night in the late 1970s, when Superman, Batman, and Wonder Woman had been the guests of honor. Maybe their deaths hadn't been the work of a single person or organization, but he had to be sure.
He began running north along the highway. His legs moved quicker, but he did not really accelerate - not as much as he'd been expecting. A brisk run only brought him to the local 7-11, where he stood in the path of speeding cars, short of breath. What had happened? Where was his super speed?
Just then a sonic boom thundered through the town, and a man on a red and yellow scooter decelerated from the speed of sound to a standstill in a matter of seconds. This man was wearing red shorts and a yellow T-shirt. He parked in front of the 7-11, gave the Flash a confused look, and entered that establishment for the purpose of buying cigarettes. The Flash followed him through the automatic doors, not sure of what he was going to say or do.
Still uncertain as to the manner in which events were progressing, the Flash entered the 7-11 and approached the man, placing a careful hand on his shoulder. Something about this man seemed very familiar. It was almost like looking at an Asian version of himself.
"Excuse me," said the Flash as the man turned to meet his gaze, "But, um, did you steal my speed force?"
"What?" said the man, "What's a speed force? Are you on drugs or something?"
"Um, no," said the Flash. "The speed force is what gives me my power. It gives all speedsters their power. I can't run fast anymore, and I saw you come into town, and I just thought maybe..."
"You're crazy dude," said the other man, now turning to look the Flash over. "My scooter could do that since last June when the big typhoon came through. I got drunk and spilled a bottle of super supau all over my scooter, and then I rode home in the rain. On the way home I got hit by lightning, and after that my scooter could go REALLY fast. I'm the Taitung Flash, haven't you heard of me?"
"No," said the Flash, suddenly realizing the problem, "But if you're the Taitung Flash... hey, what Earth is this?"
Comprehension dawned on the other man's face. "Ohhhh.... Oh yeah, I get it! This is Earth-T, man. Short for "Earth Taiwan." You're from another Earth, aren't you? Like Earth One?"
"Yes," said Barry Allen, "I'm from a parallel universe. Earth One. So I guess I didn't just travel in time. I also ran into another universe. That means that Superman, Batman, Wonder Woman, and the Martian Manhunter probably never died on my Earth, and that Hal never became an English teacher. It also explains where my speed force went – I left it behind on Earth One!"
"Hal?" said the Taitung Flash, "You mean like 'Hal's English' Hal? Oh hey I know that guy. Wasn't he the Green Lantern before or something? Or wait - was he? If you guys came from another Earth, does that mean there's another one somewhere? Dude, you're tripping me out!"
By this time the two of them had moved out to the exterior of the 7-11. Cars, bicycles, and scooters passed them by as they spoke, and the sun was sinking lower behind the buildings on the other side of the road. Had it truly been another reality? And how was he going to get back to his own Earth? Trying to find the Superman's poisoner began to seem even more pointless, now that he found himself on Earth-T.
"Hey," said the scarlet speedster, "Can I borrow your scooter? I need to get back to my own Earth!"
The Taitung Flash considered this for a moment, looking up and down the road. "No way dude," he finally said, "But maybe I can give you a ride back to your own Earth and time. I told Hal I'd go surfing with him later, but I should be back before I left."
The Flash could not help but embrace his Taiwanese counterpart. A great sense of relief washed over him. In the space of a few minutes he had gone from being the sole remaining member of the Justice League to being the victim of an innocent mistake.
The author of this story had been wrong. He hadn't only traveled to the future/past. He had gone much farther… and it meant that there was still hope.
"Yeah, that would be great," he said. "Let's go. I'll buy you a beer when we get to my Earth."
"Awesome" said the Taitung Flash. And then the two men boarded the red and yellow scooter, and began their acceleration down the highway. In a few seconds they were a blur, and a few seconds after that another sonic boom announced their departure for Earth One.
The Flash would return to his own time and place, and once there he would tell the Justice League that it was better to stay in America, where it was safe.
"Hold on," said the Taitung Flash, "It gets bumpy after this part!"
7. Bei Nan River Mouth 卑南溪口 / Li Ji 利吉惡地 (November 2015)
Some new pictures, some old pictures. All taken around the Beinan River mouth and Li Ji Badlands. 有的照片是最近拍的, 有的是以前的舊照片. 它們全部都是在卑南溪口跟利吉惡地附近.
Near Shr Chuan. 靠近石川.
The Li Ji bridge. Flood control measures are underway on this river year round. 卑南溪上的利吉橋. 因為水災的問題, 水利署第八河川局一直在整頓這條溪.
Near the famous "Little Yellow Mountain," not far from the train station. 在火車站附近的小黃山.
Bike trail, north of the Forest Park. 森林公園北邊的鐵馬道.
A look across the river at Shr Chuan. 溪的另外一邊的石川.
And the mouth of the Beinan River, taken from the Jung Hua Bridge. 還有卑南溪口. 這張照片是在中華橋拍的.
8. The Justice League of America v. Taiwan (Part Three of Three) (November 2015)
"This aggression will not stand!" cried Superman at the Justice League headquarters, "Those Taiwanese bastards killed me!"
"Now wait a minute," said the Flash. "That's not what I said at all. I said they killed another you, on a different Earth. The you you is obviously still alive!"
The six heroes - Superman, Batman, Wonder Woman, the Martian Manhunter, the Green Lantern, and the Flash were in the control room, gathered around a large table. Superman, the leader of the Justice League, was standing at the head of the table, while the five other heroes were sitting around it.
"I don't give a fuck," said the unapologetically racist man of steel, "Those chinks poisoned me with their damned sports drink, and now it's time for payback! Who's with me?"
Superman looked around the table as four hands went up, the Flash abstaining. All the scarlet speedster could do was sigh. It had been a long day, and explaining the situation to the other superfriends had not been easy.
"But how do you plan on getting to this other Earth?" asked the Flash, "I mean, it's not like I can carry you all there! I might have my speed force back, but I never had super strength!"
Superman thought about this for a while, and then remembered that he had a machine in his Fortress of Solitude that could take them all where he wanted them to go.
"Let's go!" said Superman as they all filed out the door. Superman, the Martian Manhunter, and the Green Lantern chose to fly the distance, Batman and Wonder Woman boarded their respective vehicles, and the Flash ran behind the other five. In no time at all they arrived at Superman's hideout, and within the crystalline walls of this sanctuary they managed to locate the required machine.
It was a large transparent chamber mounted on a metal pedestal. From the top of the chamber a multitude of wires protruded, and a small workstation was connected to the chamber by these wires.
Of course it took Superman a while to figure out how the machine worked. The instructions were, for some inexplicable reason, in Spanish, and Batman had to help him puzzle out the more difficult parts. After some educated guesses they were finally able to key the correct sequence into the workstation, and the six heroes entered the chamber.
The Flash hesitated before entering. Part of him knew that something would go wrong - something always did - yet in the end his curiosity overwhelmed his misgivings. He only hoped that disaster, whenever it happened to strike, would spare him.
As the machine hummed to brilliant life a blinding light filled the space they were in, and then they found themselves in Taiwan, on Earth-T, before their reception in Taipei had been scheduled. It was a sunny day and the Taoyuan airport was largely empty, save for a single 747 taxiing into position for take-off.
"Let's find this Chiang Ching-kuo guy," said Superman, "He'll know where to find this other guy who kills me!"
The Martian Manhunter easily located Chiang Ching-kuo, the President of Taiwan, in Taipei, and the heroes converged in front of the Presidential Manor, where he was then working.
With a great heave Superman ripped the top several floors from the building, throwing this rubble into the streets where it killed a score of innocent civilians. Inside the eviscerated building he found Chiang Ching-kuo, cowering beneath his desk.
"Alright you fucker!" screamed Superman, "Tell me where to find the guy who poisons me later today!"
Chiang Ching-kuo, cowering within his Western clothes, was about to reply as a blur passed between him and Superman. A moment later the kryptonian was sent hurtling through the sky, some kind of blow having knocked him from his perch above the Taiwanese President. Chiang Ching-kuo ran to safety in the depths of the building.
The other members of the Justice League, hovering not far away, looked across the wreckage of the Presidential Palace to see six other people, hovering in the same manner. There was a man dressed like Superman, though with green clothes and an emblem on his chest of a figure running. There was another man dressed like the Green Lantern, though his ring and clothes were red. There was a man dressed like the Flash, seated upon a scooter. There was a woman dressed like Wonder Woman, though her costume consisted of the Chinese chi pao. There was a man dressed like Batman, though his costume was reddish-brown and his emblem also looked different. There was a giant rabbit, capable of flight. It was clear from their defensive posture that they had intervened to save the President from molestation, and that in a moment further hostilities were likely to begin.
"We are the... Ying wen dze me jiang? We are the League of Righteousness!" shouted the man who resembled Superman, "And we will not allow you to harm our nation's leader!"
The Justice League could not believe what they were seeing. Was it possible? Did Taiwan have its own superheroes, too?
"I am Supau-man!" said the greenish superhero who had struck Superman.
"And I am Red Lantern Festival Man!" said the man who looked like the Green Lantern.
"I'm the Taitung Flash," said the man upon the floating scooter. "Hey, Barry."
"Me? I'm Wondrous Woman!" said the woman who looked like Wonder Woman.
"The Flying Squirrel... Xia," said the man who looked like Batman. "Sorry, my English not so good!"
"Jade Rabbit!" said the floating rabbit, "I've come here from the moon!"
And with that a second blur passed between the two superhero teams, and Supau-man was sent hurtling through the air. Superman had returned, and he was spoiling for a fight.
Seconds later the two teams of superheroes joined in battle. In true comic book form, they talked copiously while they smashed each other through walls, threw each other over buildings, and crushed one another with cars and trucks. The author of this story could type out their monologues in the space below, but it's Monday and he doesn't feel like it.
As per the usual comic book protocol, similar characters faced off against each other. Superman and Supau-man took to the heavens for their super-powered fistfight. Red Lantern Festival Man and the Green Lantern did the same. Wonder Woman and Wondrous Woman battled in the street. Batman and Flying Squirrel Xia leapt between buildings. Jade Rabbit and the Martian Manhunter fought a less interesting contest of mental powers, and the Flash and Taitung Flash, already knowing and liking one another, adjourned to the local convenience store for a beer.
The fight between the Justice League and the League of Righteousness was brief but pointless. Supau-man, grabbing Superman by his head, vomited forth a large quantity of kryptonite-laced super supau into the man of steel's face. The man from Metropolis then began melting, and seconds later he was reduced to a pool of liquid, upon which floated a red and blue suit.
"Dead for good this time?" asked the Flash.
Red Lantern Festival Man then used his super power, which was emitting a yellow glow. The Green Lantern, powerless against anything yellow, found his ring rendered useless. Red Lantern Festival Man then delivered a swift kick to the Green Lantern's balls, and Hal Jordan fell to the ground, weeping like a small girl.
"That must have hurt," said the Taitung Flash.
While he spoke, Wonder Woman and Wondrous Woman were in the midst of a stupendous catfight. Both women were pulling hair, ripping one another's oufits, and saying various mean, bitchy things to one another. Wondrous Woman won the disagreement with a comment about how Wonder Woman's ass looked fat, and the Amazonian retired from the field of battle, seeking solace in a local tea shop. Wondrous Woman had a 3:30 appointment at a nearby salon, so she left, too.
"That was kind of turning me on," said the Flash, "Too bad they stopped."
The contest between Batman and Flying Squirrel Xia took a bit longer. There was a lot of swinging around on wires, and everything they threw at one another seemed to miss. Eventually they were both knocked unconscious by flying debris, and after this they were both dragged into a nearby alley - Huaxi Night Market (Snake Alley) by name - and from there they met a grim fate.
The struggle between Jade Rabbit and the Martian Manhunter was less interesting, and they're lame superheroes anyway. The Taitung Flash and the regular Flash stopped paying attention after a while, and instead turned their attention to a group of girls that were walking into a nearby KTV. They were sitting on a pair of folding lawn chairs, and other bystanders had gathered around them.
"Well that didn't turn out well," said the Flash, "But then again I told them."
"Yeah," said the Taitung Flash, "That battle was retarded, too. Except for Superman getting his face melted off. So much for the Justice League of America. Not that the League of Righteousness did much better. I guess we're down to four now that Flying Squirrel Xia is someone's dinner. Or five, if you count Jade Rabbit.
"...but I'd rather not count Jade Rabbit. He's ridiculous."
"Yeah, I'd have to agree on that," said the Flash.
Supau-man descended from the skies. The Flash had never found Superman's poisoner, so he didn't recognize him as the man from Part One of this story. Apparently one his many soft drink experiments had given him super powers, or at least the ability to vomit forth a large amount of super supau. Stranger things have happened.
"What? You're not fighting?" said Supau-man.
"No," said both of the speedsters. "We know each other from before. Or after."
"Yes," said the Taitung Flash, "Barry was here before or after, depending on whether he traveled into the future or the past, and also depending upon whether you subscribe to Hindu cosmology or not."
"Got it," said Supau-man. "Anyway, you guys hungry? I'm buying."
"Sure," said the Flash, "But shouldn't we wait for those other two to finish?"
Supau-man looked over at Jade Rabbit and the Martian Manhunter as Red Lantern Festival Man walked over. Both Jade Rabbit and the Martian Manhunter wore a look of great strain upon their faces, but other than that the two did not move. They stood stock still, with their arms at their sides, facing one another.
"Naw," said Supau-man. "They'll be at that for hours, and in the end they'll just give each other a headache. I know a great dumpling restaurant near here. You guys up for dumplings?"
The Flash, the Taitung Flash, Supau-man, and Red Lantern Festival Man agreed that they were, and they set off for the dumpling restaurant that Supau-man had mentioned.
It was a sunny day in Taipei. 1978.
And it was a good way to begin the story, if not to end it...
Ah, here he is: The Life of the Party. He's handsome, he's drunk, he's loud, and he's abusive. He can't even remember half of what he's drunk, swallowed, and pounded down. He's talking to a pretty girl, but he can't be bothered to remember her name. He's talking to a pretty girl, but he can't remember where she's from.
And there you are. He's seen you around, of course. You're ugly and you're awkward. You're quiet and you're self-effacing. You're standing there with your one empty beer, afraid to take another. You want to talk to him, but he won't remember your name, or where you're from.
And, as such things go, he happens to have a long memory. He remembers every awkward thing you've said. He remembers every way you've tried (and failed) to be his friend. He remembers how ugly you are, how awkward, how young, or how old. He is a catalog of your failures, and these failures are the means by which he measures himself, and the means by which he outshines you.
So yes, he sees you there, standing or sitting next to me. He knows you'll try to know him, in your inarticulate way. He knows you'll take everything he has to give you. You'll make jokes, and he'll return them with insults. You'll make speeches, and he'll pretend not to hear. And in time he will have everyone laughing at you, the failure, because this is how he glorifies himself.
And when you finally leave him, sad and defeated, headed home to more of the same loneliness, he will carry out this same work upon others. Even if there are no others, he will create them in the small shadow you leave behind.
"He should never have come here," he will say, "He should have known better." Yet in your absence he will grow restive, and in your absence he will grow uncertain. He might be The Life of the Party now, but what happens after you leave? What will he be, when you take away the life you've given?
2. Stepping Out 走到戶外 (October 2015)
Triathlons, triathlons, triathlons. Seems like a lot of triathlons lately. 鐵人三項, 鐵人三項, 鐵人三項... 最近好像舉辦了很多場鐵人三項比賽.
Last year I didn't even join a triathlon. I guess I just didn't feel like it. There was also all that business about the Flowing Lake, and the County Government trying to keep people out of it. So for a while I stopped swimming at the lake, and I haven't been back until recently. 去年我沒有參加鐵人三項. 我去年只是不想參加那種比賽. 也因為縣政府不讓人在活水湖游泳一事, 所以我很久沒去游泳. 直到最近才又去那邊游泳.
I did join the East Coast Bike "Race". The weather was great that day, and my time wasn't bad. I finished tired, but not crushingly so. A lot of the "super pro" cyclists avoid this event because there's no prize money, but this isn't a problem for me. I plan on doing it again next semester. 我參加了東海岸單車活動. 那一天的天氣真好, 我完賽的時間也不錯. 完成的時候並不覺得非常累. 很多好手因為沒有獎金而沒參加這個活動, 可是對我來說這不算問題. 我下學期還要再一次參加.
I also joined two half marathons. One of these was in Tainan, and I wrote about it in the Running on Fumes entry. The other was the Taitung Marathon, held in Taitung City's forest park, which I failed to complete. 我也參加了兩場半馬拉松. 一場在台南. 在那之後我在臭氣路跑的文章中介紹過了. 另外一場是在台東市森林公園舉辦的台東馬拉松. 那場我沒跑完.
And why did I fail to complete it? Because halfway through the race I had to run behind a tree and relieve myself - or perhaps I should say detonate. Haven't had diarrhea that bad in a while. Definitely not a good time for me. 為甚麼沒跑完呢? 因為跑到一半我肚子痛去樹下解決. 我很久沒有發生過那麼嚴重的拉肚子. 超不好玩!
I also joined a "fun run" for charity. My younger daughter wanted to run the 4.5k, and she wanted me to go with her. Unfortunately she only ran about 2k before she decided that running SUCKED, and the remaining 2.5k was spent listening to her talk about how tired and hot she was. 我另外也參加了保護兒童的路跑. 我的小女兒參加4.5公里的, 她要我跟她一起跑. 可惜的是她跑兩公里以後就覺得跑步不好玩, 最後2.5公里都要聽她說自己很熱很累.
Ah well. They can't all be winners, can they? And at least the bike race was fun. Hopefully this year's athletic events will be rewarding experiences. I'll be joining the Tainan Old Capital Half Marathon, the East Coast Bike Race, the Puyuma Triathlon, and maybe also the 197 bike race in August. 真煩! 不可能每場運動比賽都很好玩, 對不對? 希望這學年要參加的活動都值得去. 我要參加的是台南古都馬拉松, 東海岸單車活動, 普悠瑪鐵人三項, 可能還要參加明年八月的197單車比賽.
August will be hot for sure, so if you're joining the 197, be sure to bring enough water! 八月一定很熱, 所以參加197的選手要記得帶很多水喔!
3. The Justice League of America v. Taiwan (Part One of Three) (October 2015)
Back in the late 70s, after Taiwan lost its seat in the U.N., the Taipei Economic and Cultural Affairs Office (TECO), organized an island-wide activity to reaffirm America's commitment to a free and democratic Taiwan.
To this end they invited America's most famous superheroes, the Justice League of America, over for a tour of Taiwan. They would have invited the Marvel superheroes as well, but they were already engaged in a similar "goodwill tour" of Mainland Chinese industrial centers. This kind of situation was an often-seen result of Kissinger-era geopolitics, with the DC and the Marvel superheroes serving different, and sometimes competing, goals within U.S. foreign policy.
Early on it was agreed that only half of the League would tour Taiwan during the first week, with the other half touring Taiwan during the second week. At that time the JLA's roster consisted of Superman, Batman, Wonder Woman, the Green Lantern, the Martian Manhunter, and the Flash, so for the purposes of the tour the superheroes were divided into two groups of three. Superman, Wonder Woman, and Batman would visit first, and during the following week the Green Lantern, the Martian Manhunter, and the Flash would visit after the first three superheroes had departed.
Monday
The anticipation was palpable at the new Chiang Kai-shek Memorial Airport as Superman, Wonder Woman, and Batman arrived in Taiwan. Wonder Woman was flying her invisible jet, Batman piloted his Batwing, and Superman characteristically descended without the aid of machinery.
"Greetings, Taiwan!" said Superman to enormous applause. President Chiang Ching-kuo and the head of the TECO office were seated before them, in front of a huge welcoming committee, and they had risen along with many others to greet the Man of Steel. As Chiang Ching-kuo offered a warm, Western-style handshake to Superman he ogled Wonder Woman, taking in the bounty of her Amazonian form and her scarcity of clothing. Batman he also greeted warmly, commenting upon the auspicious nature of bats in traditional Chinese culture.
“I got lost three times on the way over here,”fumbled Wonder Woman as she timidly shook the President’s hand. “You know how we women are with directions! Why if I didn’t have these two fellows to point me in the right direction, I never would have made it!”
Back then north Taiwan was much dirtier than it is now, and much more difficult to navigate. The airport (which we now refer to as Terminal 1) where the superheroes met the representatives of the R.O.C., had just been constructed, and most of the roads between there and Taipei, the capital, were in bad condition. A newer two-lane highway led from the airport to Taiwan's first freeway, itself not much older than the airport, yet besides these few, gleaming symbols of modernity there were endless small villages between rice fields, canals choked with refuse, and tanned, squinting farmers who emerged from brick houses within view of the airport.
"What a dump," whispered Superman as they were ushered into a waiting limousine. "This place has nothing on Metropolis."
Various officials ushered the Americans into a waiting limousine. The President was in a second limousine, with the three superheroes’ limousine following at a respectful distance. Having passed through the formalities of their arrival, the superheroes allowed themselves to relax a bit, and gave vent to some of the feelings and impressions that had been forming since they had approached the island. It had looked very beautiful as they had flown in from the east, but on the ground Taiwan took on a different cast.
"Fucking chinks," said the Man of Steel as he put an arm around Wonder Woman, "I figured this place would look like shit. These people don't know how to take care of themselves. They're dirty. After I became mayor of Metropolis, one of the first things I did was to kick them out. You can't trust these people. They're shifty!"
"You might want to tone down the racial talk," said Batman from the other side of the car, "The driver might be listening to us."
"I don't give a shit," said Superman. Then, to Wonder Woman, "Isn't that right, honey?"
"Anyway," added the Kryptonian to Batman, "After we get settled in Taipei we'll get you set up with some Asian pussy, Bruce! I know what a pussy fiend you are!"
And as he said this the driver smirked knowingly, his eyes glinting at the three from the rearview mirror. The limousine exited onto the island's main freeway, and they headed north toward Taipei.
Tuesday
Superman, Batman, and Wonder Woman were put up in a hotel near the Presidential Palace. This hotel was very Western in appearance, with large windows and a swimming pool.
The superheroes were treated to a Western-style breakfast with various functionaries, and afterward they were led to a large auditorium where speeches were given. Chiang Ching-kuo was the first to give a speech, which was followed by speeches by several other members of the government. These speeches were translated from Mandarin into English for the superheroes, and at various points in the speeches Superman farted loudly.
Then the Americans took the stage. Superman offered a short yet rambling speech that made little sense to anyone. Batman offered a better speech stressing economic cooperation. Wonder Woman encouraged the women of Taiwan to be more submissive to their husbands, and to never try too hard at sports.
Later that evening there was a gala dinner held for the visiting superpowered dignitaries at the hotel where they were staying. A popular Taiwanese singer commanded the stage, and members of the audience started dancing around an open space in the center of the ballroom. Batman found himself the center of female attention that evening, with several unaccompanied females surrounding him at a corner table. Wonder Woman and Superman found themselves alone at another table, and they took great pleasure in ignoring those who ventured near them.
"Look at that guy," said Superman to his Amazonian companion, "Guy could get pussy at a faggot convention. Well at least I've got you, right honey? And oh yeah - I've got Lois, too! Good thing she can't see us here together! Think of how jealous she'd be!"
Wonder Woman gazed off into the distance, not wanting to encourage him. The term "date rape" hadn't been invented yet, but it would have described Kal-el's method of courtship perfectly. She could feel his eyes upon her breasts, and hoped that his heat vision wouldn't leave any marks upon her person.
Just then a familiar-looking waiter came over and offered them two glasses, each containing a green liquid. "What the hell is this?" asked Superman.
"It is a drink my company has invented," said the waiter. "I call it Super Supau. It is what we are calling a sports drink. Soon you Americans will have them as well. It will give you energy!"
"Really?" scoffed Superman, "Well I am tired. Looks weird though. Anyway, down the hatch..."
The waiter's eyes glinted as the two superheroes drank down the proffered beverage. It was only then that Wonder Woman recognized him as the man who had driven their limousine the day before.
"Tastes funny, too," said Superman, "But I kind of..."
He stopped, and slowly rose to his feet. "But I kind of..."
And then clutching at his belly, he emitted the most pitiful groan that Wonder Woman had ever heard, and dropped to the floor, stone dead.
"Yes," said the waiter/driver, "Super Supau. And the active ingredient is kryptonite. I learned about such things in Metropolis, where I attended university. Just before you had us ‘chinks’ kicked out!"
"Oh my God! You've killed him!" shouted Wonder Woman, "You murderer!"
But the waiter/driver had already disappeared into the dancing couples before she had finished her exclamation, and no one heard them over the music. She looked down at the corpse of Superman, wondering what else could go wrong, and why.
Wednesday
As for Batman, he was nowhere to be found. Wonder Woman arose from bed very confused the following morning, and her inquiries into the whereabouts of Batman were all met with an embarrassed silence.
Eventually she had to remind herself that she was a superhero, too, and that even though it was the men who did all the heavy lifting, and jar opening, and all of the really heroic tasks, she had learned a thing or two on Paradise Island. She could bake an upside-down cake, couldn't she? She could mend a tear in Aquaman's chain-mail, couldn't she? And who else could operate the Justice League's washer/dryer unit if not her?
So, after gathering up all of her Amazonian courage, after carefully applying her makeup and combing her long, lustrous black hair, she left her room and accosted the first person she met. "WHERE IS BATMAN?!" she roared at the helpless maid, "WHAT HAVE YOU PEOPLE DONE WITH BATMAN?!?"
A police officer quickly walked over from the other end of the hall, and after placing himself between the maid and the furious Amazon he took her to a room downstairs, where he seated her at a table. Soon another man in a suit arrived, and he sat down across from her. They were in a small room on the first floor, and there were many windows looking out on the hotel's swimming pool. Wonder Woman had been unconscious since the previous night, and she was surprised to learn that the day was well advanced.
"I know you are distressed after the events of last night," said the man in the suit. The policeman remained in the room, standing behind him. "And I want you to know that the authorities are still searching for Superman's killer. But we have located your associate Batman, though I doubt you'll be happy once you learn where he is."
As they spoke several other guests of the hotel peered through the large windows at Wonder Woman. It wasn't every day that you saw a superhero.
"Well, where is he?" she said. "Can you take me to him?"
The man in the suit considered this for a moment, and then nodded in assent. "Yes," he answered, "I think it is better if I do. If I tell you, I don't think you'll believe me."
With that Wonder Woman followed the man in the suit out of the hotel, and they entered a waiting police car. The policeman from the hotel was behind the wheel, and he left the hotel's main entrance without any instructions from the man in the suit.
"Where are we going?" said Wonder Woman.
The man in the suit was very careful with his words. "It is," he said, "A local tourist attraction, not far from here. Only a few minutes, and we'll be there. Your companion was found there early this morning, and there was nothing we could do."
"Nothing you could do?" she asked, "Is he alright? Has he been hurt?"
"Again," said the man very carefully, "I think it's better if you see for yourself. In a short time you will understand everything."
"OK," gulped the Amazonian, "But... what about Superman? After last night..."
"Arrangements have been made with your government," said the man in the suit. "There is no need to worry about him, though of course we are very sorry for your loss."
The car pulled to a stop along a crowded street, and in front of them there was an alley, over which a sign in Chinese stood. Taxis buzzed back and forth, and Wonder Woman had to squint her eyes against the glare of the sun. She remembered the alley from somewhere. A picture she had seen...
"This is Huaxi Street Night Market," said the man in the suit, "Also referred to as 'Snake Alley' in some foreign guidebooks. Do you know what this place is famous for?"
"Snakes?" said Wonder Woman timidly. She could recall hearing the name before, but... what did all of this have to do with Batman?
"Not only snakes," pursued the man, "There are many other exotic foods to be found here. It seems that after the party last night, your Batman accompanied several other guests here. He was of course very intoxicated by that point, and..."
"And what?" said Wonder Woman. She was growing impatient with the proceedings, and something about the man in the suit's manner disturbed her. Every time he spoke the policeman cast his eyes to the ground, afraid to meet her gaze.
"Again, I think it's better if I just show you," said the man in the suit. Follow us into the alley. This way please."
She did as she was told. They walked a short distance across a garbage-strewn street, and entered into the dark confines of the alley. It occurred to her that this was a place where Batman would feel most comfortable, where he would be most inclined to drop his guard. There was a narrow, shadowed lane between food stalls where she saw snakes in cages, turtles in water tanks, and low tables where a few people sat on stools, eating. The back of the alley was separated from the rest of the market by several lengths of yellow police tape, the kind used to mark the scene of a crime.
"You'll have to understand that he came here at night," began the man in the suit, "Dressed as a bat..."
"Oh my God!" shrieked Wonder Woman, just before she fainted.
"Yes," said the man in the suit. "I would have explained at the hotel, but I didn't think you would believe me."
Because there, at the farthest removed table in Snake Alley, at the most shadowed of all the tables there, they found the remains of Batman. He had come into the stalls dressed as a giant bat of course, and somewhere, in the midst of their nighttime revels, his companions had eaten him. His partially devoured head swam in a bowl of soup in the center of the table, and around the perimeter of the table the man in the suit could see some of Batman’s larger bones, dishes composed of his meat fried with peppers, and many, many bottles of rice wine. It had been a grand feast, and Batman had been the guest of honor.
"Help me get her back to the hotel," said the man in the suit. "I think she's seen enough."
Thursday
A limousine drove her back to the Chiang Kai-shek International Airport. The only trouble was finding her invisible jet. It had somehow been moved during her absence, and since no one could see it they had no easy way of finding it. Airport workers fanned out in every direction like blind men, their outstretched arms searching for the vanished jet.
Eventually they found it parked on a nearby rice field. It was a lot of work to pull it back onto the tarmac, but after hours of labor they succeeded in positioning it at the end of a runway. At least they thought they had positioned it at the end of a runway. Not being able to see it, it was difficult to tell.
After this they led the heavily sedated Wonder Woman to her invisible jet. As they did so she rambled on incoherently about cannibalism and poisoners, most of her words slurred and indistinct. "You killd em," muttered the Amazonian, "Yer guys killd... superdrink... what cud I do..."
Nearly tranquilized into unconsciousness, she unsteadily climbed the invisible ladder up into the cockpit of her invisible jet. She muttered some kind of farewell as the invisible cockpit (they assumed) closed, and then they heard the sound of engines. President Chiang Ching-kuo was not there to witness her departure, as the deaths of both Superman and Batman were seen as a major loss of face for the Republic of China.
The roar of invisible engines cut through the chatter, and Wonder Woman began to accelerate down the runway. It was only as she thus accelerated that the crowd noticed her form begin to slump over the invisible controls. Had she fainted again? Was it the sedatives? For a moment she ascended upward at a ninety degree angle - perhaps a hundred feet or so from the ground - and then, to everyone's horror, the sound of her engines ceased, and she began to descend backwards towards the airport.
Then there was a great explosion, and Wonder Woman was no more.
"Fuck," said the suited man in English, "How am I supposed to explain this?"
Friday
"Sure, everything's fine, sir," answered the man in the TECO office, "Nothing to worry about. Superman just had a bit of indigestion at the dinner. Batman? He... might have caused some indigestion. Wonder Woman is at the airport now, on the runway. Nothing to worry about at all."
And with that the head of the TECO office said his goodbyes and hung up. I am so fired, he thought. And in a couple days the other three will be here.
Saturday
The really annoying thing about an invisible jet is finding and disposing of all the wreckage. Wonder Woman had been incinerated in the explosion, so all that remained was finding all the parts of her jet, and depositing them in the nearest landfill.
Batman's remains mostly took care of themselves. When the police returned to Snake Alley, the rest of him had been consumed. His fried bits had been eaten, and his bones had been used for soup. For days the "giant bat pot" was the talk of the town.
Superman's corpse was the only real problem. His body didn't decay in the normal fashion, and the authorities worried that his corpse would stand as evidence against them. Then, in an inspired decision, they dressed him as Chiang Kai-shek and bronzed him. He remains to this day in front of the National Palace Museum, where he gazes down upon Chinese and non-Chinese visitors alike. It was decided that this was the best way to honor the Man of Steel, since his love for his Chinese brothers and sisters was well known.
"I am so fired," said the head of the TECO office as he looked upon the statue for the first time. "I think it's time I took that vacation I've got coming. I'd rather not be around when the next set of superheroes arrive!"
4. How Not to Get to Our House by Going the Wrong Way 迷路了 (October 2015)
What? No GPS? Where are you? 什麼? GPS沒用? 你們在哪裡?
Jung Hua Road? Where on Jung Hua Road? Downtown? Near the Forest Park? On the way to Jer Ben? 中華路? 中華路哪裡? 在市區嗎? 還是靠近森林公園? 還是往知本的方向?
Oh, OK. Jung Hua and Ma Heng Heng. Which way are you facing? Is the Forest Park in front of you? Or are you headed into town? 好, 好. 中華跟馬亨亨那個路口. 你們面對哪一個方向? 森林公園在你前面嗎? 還是你們正往市區的方向?
Got it. So take a left onto Ma Heng Heng. Yeah, follow that for a while. Keep going. Do you see the big brown apartment complex on your left? Yeah, take a left there. Now you're on a big road, right? There should be a 7-11 on your right. Stop there and I'll come over. 我知道了. 你們要在馬亨亨左轉. 順著那條路沒錯. 繼續走. 你們看到左邊一棟咖啡色的公寓大樓嗎? 對, 在那裡左轉. 現在你們在一條大馬路上對不對? 你們右邊應該有一家7-11. 在那邊停車, 我過去找你們.
Dinner? I don't know. We'll decide when you get here. I know a few places. 晚餐? 我不知道. 你們到我們家後再決定. 我知道幾家餐廳.
What? No 7-11? Where are you now? A big intersection? A big intersection where? What do you see? What road are you on? 什麼? 沒有7-11! 你們在哪裡? 大路口嗎? 哪一個大路口? 你們看到什麼? 你們在哪一條路上?
Jung Shing and Geng Sheng? You went too far. Take a left there, onto Geng Sheng. Keep going down. You'll come to a big traffic circle. On your right there'll be a furniture store, and on your left there'll be a big white building with a post office on the first floor. You see it? Good, take a left there. 中興跟更生嗎? 你們走太遠了. 從那邊左轉到更生路, 順著路直走. 你們會到一個大圓形的交叉路口. 你們右邊會有一家家具店, 左邊會有棟白色的大樓. 白色大樓的一樓是郵局. 看到嗎? 好. 在那裡左轉.
Now you're on Chuan Guang Road, right? OK, keep going straight. You'll go through a big intersection. Keep going straight. OK, there will be a 7-11 on your right. Do you see it? Stop there. 你們在傳廣路吧. 好, 要直走. 你們會經過一個大路口. 繼續走. 好, 你們右邊應該有一家7-11. 看到嗎? 在那裏停車.
What? No 7-11? How are you not seeing the 7-11? Where are you now? OK, then what do you see? 什麼? 沒有7-11喔. 沒看到7-11? 你們在哪裡? 好, 好. 你們看到什麼東西?
A school? Is it Bao Sang Junior High? Man, you're going the wrong way. Where are you now? Ma Heng Heng? Oh man, you need to stop. 學校嗎? 是不是寶桑國中? 天啊! 你們走錯路了. 現在在哪裡? 馬亨亨對不對? 你們需要把車停下來.
Just stay there. I'm coming over. 停在那邊就好了. 我現在過去!
5. The Price of Nature 大自然的價值 (November 2015)
Starting next year, they will charge visitors a fee of 30 NT before they enter Taitung's Forest Park. Residents of Taitung County will not need to pay this fee. 從明年開始, 台東森林公園將對觀光客收取30元的門票. 台東縣居民則不用門票.
If you want to read about this in Chinese, click here. Thanks to 潘俊偉 (Pan Jun-wei), a reporter with the United News Network, for his report. 如果要看中文報導的話請按這裡. 謝謝聯合新聞網潘俊偉記者的報導.
As for the reason for the fee, the article goes on to say... 明年要買票的原因? 報導中說...
"台東縣政府農業處長許瑞貴說，縣府每年投入約1千萬元經費，進行森林公園維護，對縣府財政是一大負擔，基於使用者付費精神，已研擬自治條例，向入園的遊客收取門票費用，預估每年可增加約1千萬元收入，用於園區養護人力與福利、設施或硬體的相關維護經費用。" The head of the Taitung County Government Agricultural Bureau, Shu Duan-gui, said that the county government spends about 10 million to maintain the park each year. This is a great burden on the county government's financial resources. With the assistance of user fees and new regulations which will be enacted, they will likely generate 10 million to be used for park preservation, human resources, and related facilities and equipment.
The article goes on to state that four fee stations will be established, one at the park's main entrance on Ma Heng Heng Boulevard, and another at the "Green Water Bridge" adjoining the Seashore Park. There will also be a parking fee for the big parking lot outside the main entrance. 報導中說他們會設置四個收費亭. 一個在馬亨亨大道的大入口, 一個在靠近海濱公園的綠水橋. 在大門口旁邊的停車場也要收費.
The article concludes by stating two points of view on this plan to collect fees for park use. One resident states that park upkeep is expensive, and fees allow the county government to both maintain and improve the park. Another resident states that having to bring their ID to the park will be an annoyance for local people. I asked a couple coworkers about this new policy, and they shared the same concerns. 報導的最後也訪問了兩位居民的意見. 其中一位說縣政府養護公園很貴, 所以公園收費將會幫很大的忙. 另一位說當地居民每次去森林公園都要帶證件很麻煩. 我問了兩個同事對這件事的意見. 他們也持同樣看法.
As for me, I won't mind having to bring my ID to the Forest Park. And when I think about how many tour groups pass in and out of that park daily, it makes sense that they should subsidize the park's upkeep in some fashion. I just hope that the revenue thus generated really goes back into the park - and that it helps create new parks if possible. Green spaces are important to any city, and both protecting the ones we have and creating new ones should be a priority. 對我來說, 要帶證件去森林公園沒有問題. 每天有那麼多旅行團到森林公園參觀使用, 他們買門票幫我們養護森林公園是當然的事. 我只希望門票的錢真的是用在養護公園上, 這也可能幫助縣政府建設新的公園. 綠地對所有的城市很重要, 保護存在的綠地跟創造新的綠地都很重要.
6. The Justice League of America v. Taiwan (Part Two of Three) (November 2015)
I. The curtains open upon the Justice League headquarters, where the Flash, the Martian Manhunter, and the Green Lantern are gathered before a computer screen. All three heroes look worried.
The Flash: Still no word from Superman, Batman, or Wonder Woman. What could’ve gone wrong?
Green Lantern: Yes, it's odd they haven't reported back yet. It was just a routine diplomatic mission to Taiwan, after all.
Martian Manhunter: At any rate, we'll be able to investigate their disappearance while we are there. Now that a week has passed, it is our turn to visit Taiwan, and to discover what dangers may lurk there.
The Flash: Yes, and as we appear to be characters in a play, the next scene will find us on the island. No need for airplanes and airports!
Martian Manhunter: Flash, as usual your Earth humor confounds me. What is this "play" you speak of? And how can we be characters in it if we have not elected to perform? I think that perhaps you are dehydrated again, and that you are hallucinating.
Green Lantern: Yes, my friend. Have a gatorade. One of the green flavors, of course.
End scene.
II. Martian Manhunter and Green Lantern arrive in Taipei. They are standing in front of the Presidential Palace. They lost sight of the Flash just outside of Justice League headquarters, and there has been no sign of him since.
Green Lantern: Where's Barry?
Martian Manhunter: I don't know. I cannot locate his mind anywhere. It could be that he has gone somewhere beyond the range of my powers, though why this is I do not know. Perhaps he felt the need to return home and masturbate. I am told he does this often.
Green Lantern: Could be. Anyway let's find this Chiang Ching-kuo fella, and see what he's about. Maybe he knows where Batman, Superman, and Wonder Woman are.
Martian Manhunter: Yes, let's do that.
The two heroes enter the confines of the palace, where they find Chiang Ching-kuo sporting with one of his many mistresses.
Chiang Ching-kuo: A-ya! Ni men liang ge dzai gan shen me?
Green Lantern [embarrassed]: What?
Chiang Ching-kuo: Ni men dze me ke yi je yang dze sui sui bien bien de jin lai? Wo de guan li yuan dzai nai li? Ta men dzai da ma jiang, dui bu dui?
Green Lantern [to Martian Manhunter]: What's he saying?
Martian Manhunter: He is upset that we have intruded upon his revels with this young girl. He is wondering where his security guards are, and whether or not they are playing something called "ma jiang." He does not know that I have used my telepathic powers to render his security forces senseless.
Green Lantern: OK, but does he know where Superman, Batman, and Wonder Woman are?
Martian Manhunter: Yes, I think he does. It seems... Yes, it seems that our comrades have met with a series of unfortunate accidents while visiting this island, and that they are with us no longer.
Green Lantern: What? Dead? How did this happen?
Martian Manhunter: It seems that Superman drank something called "super supau." Batman was eaten - accidentally. Wonder Woman crashed her jet while attempting to leave. The man who poisoned Superman has thus far evaded the police, who are searching for him, and I can detect no foul play in the deaths of Batman and Wonder Woman.
Green Lantern: Superman was poisoned? Well then, we'll have to help find his killer!
Martian Manhunter: Yes, but this man does not know anything that is of any use to us, and he is well apprised of the police investigation that is underway. Fortunately I can use my telepathic powers to find the poisoner. If he is still on the island, a routine patrol ought to put me near enough to detect him, and I also know from the President here what he looks like.
Green Lantern: Great! Let's get going!
The two heroes leave the Presidential Palace, while Chiang Ching-kuo and his mistress look on in stunned silence.
Chiang Ching-kuo: Damn, I thought they'd never leave!
End scene two.
III. Back at the Justice League headquarters, the Flash has returned. He spends a few moments looking for his companions.
The Flash: Those guys took off fast! This is what I get for going home and jerking off! No matter, I can always catch up! I'll just have to run a bit faster this time!
The Flash runs offstage.
End scene three.
IV. Back in Taiwan, where the Green Lantern and the Martian Manhunter have entered a large factory. Beakers of bubbling liquids and pipes of all sizes fill the room they are in. At one end of the stage a man dressed in a lab coat performs chemical experiments.
Green Lantern [to Martian Manhunter]: So this is the guy? You're sure?
Martian Manhunter: Yes, this is him. He has been expecting us.
Green Lantern: Alright, fucker! Prepare to get... justified!
Just then the man in the lab coat looks up from the table where he is working and smiles. He is very calm.
Man in Lab Coat: Well hello, my foreign friends. How are you?
Martian Manhunter: Villain! It was you who murdered Superman! You can explain yourself to the authorities!
Green Lantern: Yeah!
Man in Lab Coat: Yes, I expected you would say something like that.
Using his ring, the Green Lantern creates a giant green hammer, with which he intends to smash the man behind the table. He does not notice, however, that underneath his white lab coat the man is wearing a yellow jumpsuit. As the hammer comes down, the man also places a yellow hat upon his head, and discards the lab coat he is wearing. The hammer destroys the table and everything upon it, but the man remains where he is, untouched.
Man in Yellow Jumpsuit: Yes, I figured you'd do something like that. You two have always been the lamest and most predictable members of the Justice League.
Green Lantern: Lame? Predictable? I'll show you lame and predictable!
And then the Green Lantern uses his ring to create a giant green net, which likewise passes through the man without harming him.
Man in Yellow Jumpsuit: Yes, very lame. What good is a superhero that is powerless against ripe bananas, lemons, post-it notes, or anything else that's yellow? All I have to do is turn something yellow and you're as helpless as a baby!
Green Lantern: Shut up, you! Or I'll--
But before he can finish this sentence the man in the yellow jumpsuit has produced a yellow baseball bat, with which he knocks the Green Lantern senseless. The Martian Manhunter can only look on as his companion is knocked to the floor.
Martian Manhunter: You monster! How dare you! You haven't beaten us yet!
Man in Yellow Jumpsuit: No? Well what about this?
He pulls out a lighter from one of his jumpsuit's many pockets.
Martian Manhunter: What? No! How did you--
Man in Yellow Jumpsuit: Come on, man... hunter. We have your comic books like everyone else. Of course everyone in Taiwan knows that your weakness is fire! It's even in the cartoon!
And as the man advances all the Martian Manhunter can do is retreat towards the door. He looks mournfully towards the fallen Green Lantern, but he is powerless against the lighter in the man's hand. The man flicks his thumb against the lighter and a large, unwavering flame flickers forth, striking fear into the heart of the last remaining Martian.
Martian Manhunter [as he slips out the door]: Why... you... you haven't won yet! I... We'll be back, I tell you! We'll be back!
Man in Yellow Jumpsuit: Yes, I'm sure you will. And I'll have more lighters and candles handy for when that happens! Goodbye!
The Martian Manhunter leaves. The Man in the Yellow Jumpsuit returns to his table, setting it aright.
Man in Yellow Jumpsuit: Superheroes. So predictable. Always poking their noses where they don't belong. At least the Lantern didn't upset my experiments too much. I'll have this right again in no time. I think--
By sports drink Kal-el met his end,
By Krypton filtered did portend,
His gasping choke as ballroom dancing,
Did prevent his last romancing.
Batman, carried to the street,
Was later tendered into meat,
Over rice wine served with golden rice,
I'm told he tasted mighty nice.
And Wonder Woman, drugged and faint,
Was later told with great restraint,
How both in League were here no longer,
And then, at last, her jet did wrong her.
Later still, with Lantern full of rage,
Yet tortured by the yellowed page,
I knock him henceforth to the floor,
From there towards the factory door.
The Martian hunting also keen,
But fire had not yet lost its sheen,
I think he'll not be back again,
For festive fires will yet offend.
For all, there's yet one left to fight,
Yet I will not leave on the light,
For he has run so far, so far I fear,
That he will overpass the years I'm here.
Green Lantern [stirring from unconsciousness]: Uhhh... dude. What are you talking about? What is that? Poetry or something? I thought... I mean Flash said... are we in a poem or a play?
Man in Yellow Jumpsuit [hitting him in the head again]: Neither, my friend. Now if you don't mind, I'll return to my experiments. Having invented the sports drink of the future, I will now set about inventing a new kind of Taiwan beer! Yes! Gold Medal - your time has come!
End scene four.
EXT - AFTERNOON - THE PACIFIC OCEAN
Flash: Hey, wasn't this supposed to be a play?
AGAIN. EXT - AFTERNOON - THE PACIFIC OCEAN
Flash: Okay, okay. No need to get worked up about it! So what am I doing, anyway?
The Flash is using his super speed to run over the ocean. As he is in a hurry to reach his companions, he accelerates too quickly, leaving the surface of the globe. Moving faster than light, he passes around the curvature of the known universe, thus traveling forward in time over 35 years, to the year 2015, when this play/screenplay/poem/story was written.
Flash: But wait, wouldn't passing around the curvature of the known universe mean that I was traveling backward in time, and not forward? Wouldn't it be 35 years before the “present” date, or about 1943?
No, not if you apply Hindu cosmology - which is cyclical in nature - to the play/screenplay/poem/story at hand. In one sense you'd be traveling backward, but you would pass beyond the present age, or yuga, to the one before it. As history endlessly repeats itself, you would find yourself in the year 2015 of the previous age. Got it?
Flash: No, but let's pretend it all makes sense to me. So I've traveled into the future, it's 2015, and...
EXT - AFTERNOON - THE PACIFIC OCEAN
The Flash arrives in Taiwan, unaware that he has not only arrived late, but missed his companions’ arrival by several decades. He comes to a stop in Taitung, on the east coast of Taiwan in the hopes of tracking them down. It is a scenic, beachfront community resembling Hawaii minus all the big hotels (for now).
Flash: Whew! Boy am I tired! I feel like I just ran around the curvature of the universe! I'll have to track down one of the locals and figure out where to start looking for the Green Lantern and the Martian Manhunter!
The Flash knocks on the nearest door, in the nearest village.
Flash: Hello? Hello? Is anyone there?
Local Person: Ni gan she me? Ni chuan she me chi guai de yi fu?
Flash: None of these people speak English! But wait, I see a white man over there!
The Flash races over to the author of this story and his family. They are walking back up the stairs from the beach in front of the abandoned hotel. They are very sandy and very tired.
Flash: Hello, do you speak English?
Me: Why yes I do. I'm also the person writing this screenplay.
Flash: What?
Me: I'm not really here, you see. I'm typing this in my living room, in a city south of here. I am imagining all of this.
Flash: What?
Me: Oh anyway, how can I help you, Flash?
Flash: I'm trying to find the Green Lantern and the Martian Manhunter! Has there been anything in the news about them?
Me: Well, you're about 35 years too late to do them any good. Martian Manhunter made the mistake of hiding in a park during Chinese New Year. I believe he was posing as a tree. Anyway, they started setting off firecrackers and bottle rockets while he was there, and the poor guy had a heart attack.
Flash: Oh my God!
Me: Yes, in this instance I might just be your God. But yeah, the Martian Manhunter didn't end well. But I think the Green Lantern made out OK. He later moved out to Taitung, took up surfing, and opened Hal's English School up in Dulan, about ten minutes away. You can't miss it. Just head up the highway here, and when you get to the town on top of the hill you'll see the sign on the right.
Flash: Great! Thanks so much! And about that other stuff you said...
Me: Don't worry about it. I was just killing time on the computer.
The Flash speeds away, and the author of this story and his family return to their red Nissan Tiida. His wife and children tell him that the Flash was a hallucination, and that he was talking to a nearby palm tree. He responds that there is a fine line between hallucination and imagination, and that it may just be the case that he was the one imagining all of them all along.
EXT - DULAN VILLAGE - AFTERNOON
The Flash slowed to a stop as this screenplay became a story. It was a bit dizzying at first, primarily because all of his actions shifted into the past tense. “Goes” became “went,” “runs” became “ran,” and “does” became “did.”
Being a very speedy, active sort of person, this use of the past tense annoyed him. He was always waiting for what he did to catch up to his present understanding of events, or for his past understanding to inform his present actions. Having already traveled around the curvature of the universe, having already traveled 35 years into the future by traveling countless eons into the past (as the Hindus would have it), he now had to contend with this difficulty at considerable mental expense. He had run far, he was growing tired, and he still hadn't found his friend the Green Lantern.
The cram school mentioned by the (strikingly handsome) foreign man was easily located. It was on Highway 11, the main route through the town, just after a gas station. There was a sign over a house reading "Hal's English School," and the Os in "School" had been painted to resemble Hal Jordan's power ring.
The Flash entered the house without knocking, and inside the living room he found Hal Jordan, the Green Lantern, teaching a class of five elementary school students. He was wearing surf shorts and a T-shirt, and since the Flash had last seen him he'd gained several pounds and lost a lot of hair.
"Cat," said Hal Jordan to the class, slightly disconcerted by the scarlet speedster's arrival, "C-A-T. Cat. Is the cat big?"
"No," said all of the students, the class's attention fixed on a picture from an English book, in which a cat slept on a table. "The cat is not big."
"Well," said the former (?) Green Lantern, "That's all for today, kids. Don't forget your pencil boxes! See you next week!"
"See you next week," said the students in unison. They stood up together and began walking out the door. The Flash's uniform drew several exclamations from the students as they filed out of the room. "Is it Halloween?" said one.
After they had left, the Flash found himself alone with the teacher, who gestured him to sit down in one of the student's chairs. The room was very small, and decorated with English-learning posters and several bookshelves holding books. At the Flash's back the students peered through the outside window, curious as to the Flash’s identity, and why he was wearing such strange clothes.
"Good to see you," said Hal Jordan without further ado, "How have you been?"
"Fine," answered the Flash. "But I guess I'm getting here a little late. You want to tell me what happened?"
The former Green Lantern had to think about this for a moment. Where should he begin? How to explain it all? "Well," he finally began, "You last saw me in… what? 77? 78? Back at headquarters?"
"Yeah," said the Flash, "But I was in too much of a hurry, so I accidentally ran around the curvature of the universe. I know it's a long time for you, but for me it was yesterday, or at least the last Hindu epoch, or something like that."
"Huh?"
"Forget it. So what happened after you guys got here? All those years ago?"
"OK," the Green Lantern began again, "So... we were looking for Superman, Batman, and Wonder Woman, right? Well, as it turns out they were dead before we got here. Superman got poisoned, Batman got eaten, and Wonder Woman crashed her jet. After that the Martian Manhunter and I went looking for the guy who poisoned Superman, and then he knocked me out with a yellow baseball bat. While I was unconscious he pulled a lighter on the Martian Manhunter, and he went running into a park, and some people were lighting off fireworks, and that was it for J’onzz."
The Flash took a few minutes to process all of this. Had the Justice League really been defeated so easily? "And how did you get away from Superman's poisoner?" he said after a long time, "Did you catch him? Did you find a way to defeat him?"
Hal Jordan just smiled at this. "No," he said, "He just let me go. He flushed my ring down the toilet while I was out, and I haven't seen it since. I was too embarrassed to go back to America after that, so I found a girl, settled down, and had some kids."
"But what about the guy who took your ring? The guy who killed Superman? Didn't you want to bring him to justice?"
"I thought about it, yeah, but what could I do? I didn't have my ring anymore, and there was no one left to call. I thought for a while that you might show up, but after a couple years I figured it just wasn't going to happen."
"So you just... started teaching English?"
"Sure, why not? What else was I supposed to do? It pays better than being in the Justice League - that's for sure."
"And what about Superman?"
"What about Superman? Face it, Barry, the guy was a major asshole. His poisoner did the world a favor."
"But..."
"But what? There's nothing left to fight for anymore, Barry. Why not just hang out here for a while? I've been checking the charts and the surf looks good today. I've got an extra board I can loan you. What do you say?"
The Flash turned to look at the kids, still staring at the two adults through the screened windows. What could he say? He couldn't argue that Superman hadn't been worth doing in, but questions still nagged at him, and doubts lingered.
"I can't stay here," the Flash finally said, "Not until I know how Batman and Wonder Woman died. I need answers."
"Answers?" laughed the Green Lantern, "Answers to what? It's just Taiwan, man. It just doesn't agree with some people. Up is down here. And left is right. You'll learn that eventually."
But "eventually" was spoken to the Flash's back as he emerged from the house. He had already decided to run to Taipei, and once there he planned to investigate what had really happened during that night in the late 1970s, when Superman, Batman, and Wonder Woman had been the guests of honor. Maybe their deaths hadn't been the work of a single person or organization, but he had to be sure.
He began running north along the highway. His legs moved quicker, but he did not really accelerate - not as much as he'd been expecting. A brisk run only brought him to the local 7-11, where he stood in the path of speeding cars, short of breath. What had happened? Where was his super speed?
Just then a sonic boom thundered through the town, and a man on a red and yellow scooter decelerated from the speed of sound to a standstill in a matter of seconds. This man was wearing red shorts and a yellow T-shirt. He parked in front of the 7-11, gave the Flash a confused look, and entered that establishment for the purpose of buying cigarettes. The Flash followed him through the automatic doors, not sure of what he was going to say or do.
Still uncertain as to the manner in which events were progressing, the Flash entered the 7-11 and approached the man, placing a careful hand on his shoulder. Something about this man seemed very familiar. It was almost like looking at an Asian version of himself.
"Excuse me," said the Flash as the man turned to meet his gaze, "But, um, did you steal my speed force?"
"What?" said the man, "What's a speed force? Are you on drugs or something?"
"Um, no," said the Flash. "The speed force is what gives me my power. It gives all speedsters their power. I can't run fast anymore, and I saw you come into town, and I just thought maybe..."
"You're crazy dude," said the other man, now turning to look the Flash over. "My scooter could do that since last June when the big typhoon came through. I got drunk and spilled a bottle of super supau all over my scooter, and then I rode home in the rain. On the way home I got hit by lightning, and after that my scooter could go REALLY fast. I'm the Taitung Flash, haven't you heard of me?"
"No," said the Flash, suddenly realizing the problem, "But if you're the Taitung Flash... hey, what Earth is this?"
Comprehension dawned on the other man's face. "Ohhhh.... Oh yeah, I get it! This is Earth-T, man. Short for "Earth Taiwan." You're from another Earth, aren't you? Like Earth One?"
"Yes," said Barry Allen, "I'm from a parallel universe. Earth One. So I guess I didn't just travel in time. I also ran into another universe. That means that Superman, Batman, Wonder Woman, and the Martian Manhunter probably never died on my Earth, and that Hal never became an English teacher. It also explains where my speed force went – I left it behind on Earth One!"
"Hal?" said the Taitung Flash, "You mean like 'Hal's English' Hal? Oh hey I know that guy. Wasn't he the Green Lantern before or something? Or wait - was he? If you guys came from another Earth, does that mean there's another one somewhere? Dude, you're tripping me out!"
By this time the two of them had moved out to the exterior of the 7-11. Cars, bicycles, and scooters passed them by as they spoke, and the sun was sinking lower behind the buildings on the other side of the road. Had it truly been another reality? And how was he going to get back to his own Earth? Trying to find the Superman's poisoner began to seem even more pointless, now that he found himself on Earth-T.
"Hey," said the scarlet speedster, "Can I borrow your scooter? I need to get back to my own Earth!"
The Taitung Flash considered this for a moment, looking up and down the road. "No way dude," he finally said, "But maybe I can give you a ride back to your own Earth and time. I told Hal I'd go surfing with him later, but I should be back before I left."
The Flash could not help but embrace his Taiwanese counterpart. A great sense of relief washed over him. In the space of a few minutes he had gone from being the sole remaining member of the Justice League to being the victim of an innocent mistake.
The author of this story had been wrong. He hadn't only traveled to the future/past. He had gone much farther… and it meant that there was still hope.
"Yeah, that would be great," he said. "Let's go. I'll buy you a beer when we get to my Earth."
"Awesome" said the Taitung Flash. And then the two men boarded the red and yellow scooter, and began their acceleration down the highway. In a few seconds they were a blur, and a few seconds after that another sonic boom announced their departure for Earth One.
The Flash would return to his own time and place, and once there he would tell the Justice League that it was better to stay in America, where it was safe.
"Hold on," said the Taitung Flash, "It gets bumpy after this part!"
7. Bei Nan River Mouth 卑南溪口 / Li Ji 利吉惡地 (November 2015)
Some new pictures, some old pictures. All taken around the Beinan River mouth and Li Ji Badlands. 有的照片是最近拍的, 有的是以前的舊照片. 它們全部都是在卑南溪口跟利吉惡地附近.
Near Shr Chuan. 靠近石川.
The Li Ji bridge. Flood control measures are underway on this river year round. 卑南溪上的利吉橋. 因為水災的問題, 水利署第八河川局一直在整頓這條溪.
Near the famous "Little Yellow Mountain," not far from the train station. 在火車站附近的小黃山.
Bike trail, north of the Forest Park. 森林公園北邊的鐵馬道.
A look across the river at Shr Chuan. 溪的另外一邊的石川.
And the mouth of the Beinan River, taken from the Jung Hua Bridge. 還有卑南溪口. 這張照片是在中華橋拍的.
8. The Justice League of America v. Taiwan (Part Three of Three) (November 2015)
"This aggression will not stand!" cried Superman at the Justice League headquarters, "Those Taiwanese bastards killed me!"
"Now wait a minute," said the Flash. "That's not what I said at all. I said they killed another you, on a different Earth. The you you is obviously still alive!"
The six heroes - Superman, Batman, Wonder Woman, the Martian Manhunter, the Green Lantern, and the Flash were in the control room, gathered around a large table. Superman, the leader of the Justice League, was standing at the head of the table, while the five other heroes were sitting around it.
"I don't give a fuck," said the unapologetically racist man of steel, "Those chinks poisoned me with their damned sports drink, and now it's time for payback! Who's with me?"
Superman looked around the table as four hands went up, the Flash abstaining. All the scarlet speedster could do was sigh. It had been a long day, and explaining the situation to the other superfriends had not been easy.
"But how do you plan on getting to this other Earth?" asked the Flash, "I mean, it's not like I can carry you all there! I might have my speed force back, but I never had super strength!"
Superman thought about this for a while, and then remembered that he had a machine in his Fortress of Solitude that could take them all where he wanted them to go.
"Let's go!" said Superman as they all filed out the door. Superman, the Martian Manhunter, and the Green Lantern chose to fly the distance, Batman and Wonder Woman boarded their respective vehicles, and the Flash ran behind the other five. In no time at all they arrived at Superman's hideout, and within the crystalline walls of this sanctuary they managed to locate the required machine.
It was a large transparent chamber mounted on a metal pedestal. From the top of the chamber a multitude of wires protruded, and a small workstation was connected to the chamber by these wires.
Of course it took Superman a while to figure out how the machine worked. The instructions were, for some inexplicable reason, in Spanish, and Batman had to help him puzzle out the more difficult parts. After some educated guesses they were finally able to key the correct sequence into the workstation, and the six heroes entered the chamber.
The Flash hesitated before entering. Part of him knew that something would go wrong - something always did - yet in the end his curiosity overwhelmed his misgivings. He only hoped that disaster, whenever it happened to strike, would spare him.
As the machine hummed to brilliant life a blinding light filled the space they were in, and then they found themselves in Taiwan, on Earth-T, before their reception in Taipei had been scheduled. It was a sunny day and the Taoyuan airport was largely empty, save for a single 747 taxiing into position for take-off.
"Let's find this Chiang Ching-kuo guy," said Superman, "He'll know where to find this other guy who kills me!"
The Martian Manhunter easily located Chiang Ching-kuo, the President of Taiwan, in Taipei, and the heroes converged in front of the Presidential Manor, where he was then working.
With a great heave Superman ripped the top several floors from the building, throwing this rubble into the streets where it killed a score of innocent civilians. Inside the eviscerated building he found Chiang Ching-kuo, cowering beneath his desk.
"Alright you fucker!" screamed Superman, "Tell me where to find the guy who poisons me later today!"
Chiang Ching-kuo, cowering within his Western clothes, was about to reply as a blur passed between him and Superman. A moment later the kryptonian was sent hurtling through the sky, some kind of blow having knocked him from his perch above the Taiwanese President. Chiang Ching-kuo ran to safety in the depths of the building.
The other members of the Justice League, hovering not far away, looked across the wreckage of the Presidential Palace to see six other people, hovering in the same manner. There was a man dressed like Superman, though with green clothes and an emblem on his chest of a figure running. There was another man dressed like the Green Lantern, though his ring and clothes were red. There was a man dressed like the Flash, seated upon a scooter. There was a woman dressed like Wonder Woman, though her costume consisted of the Chinese chi pao. There was a man dressed like Batman, though his costume was reddish-brown and his emblem also looked different. There was a giant rabbit, capable of flight. It was clear from their defensive posture that they had intervened to save the President from molestation, and that in a moment further hostilities were likely to begin.
"We are the... Ying wen dze me jiang? We are the League of Righteousness!" shouted the man who resembled Superman, "And we will not allow you to harm our nation's leader!"
The Justice League could not believe what they were seeing. Was it possible? Did Taiwan have its own superheroes, too?
"I am Supau-man!" said the greenish superhero who had struck Superman.
"And I am Red Lantern Festival Man!" said the man who looked like the Green Lantern.
"I'm the Taitung Flash," said the man upon the floating scooter. "Hey, Barry."
"Me? I'm Wondrous Woman!" said the woman who looked like Wonder Woman.
"The Flying Squirrel... Xia," said the man who looked like Batman. "Sorry, my English not so good!"
"Jade Rabbit!" said the floating rabbit, "I've come here from the moon!"
And with that a second blur passed between the two superhero teams, and Supau-man was sent hurtling through the air. Superman had returned, and he was spoiling for a fight.
Seconds later the two teams of superheroes joined in battle. In true comic book form, they talked copiously while they smashed each other through walls, threw each other over buildings, and crushed one another with cars and trucks. The author of this story could type out their monologues in the space below, but it's Monday and he doesn't feel like it.
As per the usual comic book protocol, similar characters faced off against each other. Superman and Supau-man took to the heavens for their super-powered fistfight. Red Lantern Festival Man and the Green Lantern did the same. Wonder Woman and Wondrous Woman battled in the street. Batman and Flying Squirrel Xia leapt between buildings. Jade Rabbit and the Martian Manhunter fought a less interesting contest of mental powers, and the Flash and Taitung Flash, already knowing and liking one another, adjourned to the local convenience store for a beer.
The fight between the Justice League and the League of Righteousness was brief but pointless. Supau-man, grabbing Superman by his head, vomited forth a large quantity of kryptonite-laced super supau into the man of steel's face. The man from Metropolis then began melting, and seconds later he was reduced to a pool of liquid, upon which floated a red and blue suit.
"Dead for good this time?" asked the Flash.
Red Lantern Festival Man then used his super power, which was emitting a yellow glow. The Green Lantern, powerless against anything yellow, found his ring rendered useless. Red Lantern Festival Man then delivered a swift kick to the Green Lantern's balls, and Hal Jordan fell to the ground, weeping like a small girl.
"That must have hurt," said the Taitung Flash.
While he spoke, Wonder Woman and Wondrous Woman were in the midst of a stupendous catfight. Both women were pulling hair, ripping one another's oufits, and saying various mean, bitchy things to one another. Wondrous Woman won the disagreement with a comment about how Wonder Woman's ass looked fat, and the Amazonian retired from the field of battle, seeking solace in a local tea shop. Wondrous Woman had a 3:30 appointment at a nearby salon, so she left, too.
"That was kind of turning me on," said the Flash, "Too bad they stopped."
The contest between Batman and Flying Squirrel Xia took a bit longer. There was a lot of swinging around on wires, and everything they threw at one another seemed to miss. Eventually they were both knocked unconscious by flying debris, and after this they were both dragged into a nearby alley - Huaxi Night Market (Snake Alley) by name - and from there they met a grim fate.
The struggle between Jade Rabbit and the Martian Manhunter was less interesting, and they're lame superheroes anyway. The Taitung Flash and the regular Flash stopped paying attention after a while, and instead turned their attention to a group of girls that were walking into a nearby KTV. They were sitting on a pair of folding lawn chairs, and other bystanders had gathered around them.
"Well that didn't turn out well," said the Flash, "But then again I told them."
"Yeah," said the Taitung Flash, "That battle was retarded, too. Except for Superman getting his face melted off. So much for the Justice League of America. Not that the League of Righteousness did much better. I guess we're down to four now that Flying Squirrel Xia is someone's dinner. Or five, if you count Jade Rabbit.
"...but I'd rather not count Jade Rabbit. He's ridiculous."
"Yeah, I'd have to agree on that," said the Flash.
Supau-man descended from the skies. The Flash had never found Superman's poisoner, so he didn't recognize him as the man from Part One of this story. Apparently one his many soft drink experiments had given him super powers, or at least the ability to vomit forth a large amount of super supau. Stranger things have happened.
"What? You're not fighting?" said Supau-man.
"No," said both of the speedsters. "We know each other from before. Or after."
"Yes," said the Taitung Flash, "Barry was here before or after, depending on whether he traveled into the future or the past, and also depending upon whether you subscribe to Hindu cosmology or not."
"Got it," said Supau-man. "Anyway, you guys hungry? I'm buying."
"Sure," said the Flash, "But shouldn't we wait for those other two to finish?"
Supau-man looked over at Jade Rabbit and the Martian Manhunter as Red Lantern Festival Man walked over. Both Jade Rabbit and the Martian Manhunter wore a look of great strain upon their faces, but other than that the two did not move. They stood stock still, with their arms at their sides, facing one another.
"Naw," said Supau-man. "They'll be at that for hours, and in the end they'll just give each other a headache. I know a great dumpling restaurant near here. You guys up for dumplings?"
The Flash, the Taitung Flash, Supau-man, and Red Lantern Festival Man agreed that they were, and they set off for the dumpling restaurant that Supau-man had mentioned.
It was a sunny day in Taipei. 1978.
And it was a good way to begin the story, if not to end it...
...THE END?
9. Women and Their Men (November 2015)
Sitting or standing, standing or sitting. Family Mart, I think. Or 7-11.
Late at night.
And this one is talking about football. And that one is talking about soccer. And this other one is talking about surfing.
And this one that's talking about football is checking his phone, to see if his wife has called.
And that one who's talking about soccer says he has to leave soon, or his girlfriend will be angry.
And this other one who's talking about surfing says he has to step out for a moment, and make a phone call.
Swearing and cursing, cursing and swearing. Texas Jo's, I think. Or Kasa.
Late at night.
And this one is betting all his money. And that one is ordering another beer. And this other one is not playing cards, but watching, scared to join the game.
And this one who's betting all his money is thinking of an argument, in his house, with his soon-to-be ex-wife.
And that one who's ordering another beer is thinking of that girl from the coffee shop, the one he wants to see again.
And this other one who's not playing is thinking about how lonely he is, without her.
Running and kicking, kicking and running. The Exercise Park, I think. Or the Forest Park.
Late at night.
And this one is tired, and waiting for the game to end. And that one is happy, having just scored a goal. And this other one is stressed, having just left work.
And this one that's tired is worried that his wife will really go through with the divorce.
And that one who's happy is thinking of another girl, in another coffee shop.
And this other one who's stressed is thinking of another night alone, wishing she would call him after all this exercise.
Until the time when these women, stretching forth their long, long arms, reach out and reclaim their men
Late at night.
10. Jin Luen 金崙 (November 2015)
Went down to Jin Luen a week ago, and these are some of the pictures I took while I was there. Jin Luen is a small town that is known for its hot springs. It's about forty minutes south of Taitung City by car. 上個禮拜我們去金崙. 這些照片都是我們在那裏拍的. 金崙是一個有名的溫泉區. 從台東市開車去到那裡要40分鐘左右.
A view from the hill above Jin Luen. That construction along Highway 9 will make the trip from north to south much faster - whenever they happen to finish! 從山坡上看到的金崙. 台9線上的施工將會縮短由北到南的路程時間. 問題是它離完工還有一段時日.
The Eastern Sun hot spring and hotel. This is my favorite hot spring in Jin Luen, though I've been to a couple of other good ones. The view from here is the best. 東太陽溫泉酒店. 這是我在金崙最喜歡的溫泉, 雖然金崙還有很多不錯的溫泉. 可是這邊的風景是最好的.
Inside the hot spring. Let's pretend I didn't see the "No Photography" sign until much later? 在溫泉裡面. 我假裝沒看到"請勿拍照"的牌子!
Looking west up the river. This is one of the areas in which the 8-8 Typhoon did the most damage. 在河岸往西邊看. 這個地方在88水災的時候受到很嚴重的破壞.
The Jin Luen Train Station. I'd like to get back to this place and take more pictures of the places around it. We were a little pressed for time.金崙火車站. 我很想再回去那裏多拍些照片. 因為我們那時候時間很趕.
View from Highway 9, north of Jin Luen. A lot of construction on this stretch, but the delays provide photo opportunities? 台9線上, 金崙北邊的海景. 這附近很多路段在施工, 可是這樣反而讓人有很多拍照的機會.
Sitting or standing, standing or sitting. Family Mart, I think. Or 7-11.
Late at night.
And this one is talking about football. And that one is talking about soccer. And this other one is talking about surfing.
And this one that's talking about football is checking his phone, to see if his wife has called.
And that one who's talking about soccer says he has to leave soon, or his girlfriend will be angry.
And this other one who's talking about surfing says he has to step out for a moment, and make a phone call.
*********
Swearing and cursing, cursing and swearing. Texas Jo's, I think. Or Kasa.
Late at night.
And this one is betting all his money. And that one is ordering another beer. And this other one is not playing cards, but watching, scared to join the game.
And this one who's betting all his money is thinking of an argument, in his house, with his soon-to-be ex-wife.
And that one who's ordering another beer is thinking of that girl from the coffee shop, the one he wants to see again.
And this other one who's not playing is thinking about how lonely he is, without her.
***
Running and kicking, kicking and running. The Exercise Park, I think. Or the Forest Park.
Late at night.
And this one is tired, and waiting for the game to end. And that one is happy, having just scored a goal. And this other one is stressed, having just left work.
And this one that's tired is worried that his wife will really go through with the divorce.
And that one who's happy is thinking of another girl, in another coffee shop.
And this other one who's stressed is thinking of another night alone, wishing she would call him after all this exercise.
Until the time when these women, stretching forth their long, long arms, reach out and reclaim their men
Late at night.
10. Jin Luen 金崙 (November 2015)
Went down to Jin Luen a week ago, and these are some of the pictures I took while I was there. Jin Luen is a small town that is known for its hot springs. It's about forty minutes south of Taitung City by car. 上個禮拜我們去金崙. 這些照片都是我們在那裏拍的. 金崙是一個有名的溫泉區. 從台東市開車去到那裡要40分鐘左右.
A view from the hill above Jin Luen. That construction along Highway 9 will make the trip from north to south much faster - whenever they happen to finish! 從山坡上看到的金崙. 台9線上的施工將會縮短由北到南的路程時間. 問題是它離完工還有一段時日.
The Eastern Sun hot spring and hotel. This is my favorite hot spring in Jin Luen, though I've been to a couple of other good ones. The view from here is the best. 東太陽溫泉酒店. 這是我在金崙最喜歡的溫泉, 雖然金崙還有很多不錯的溫泉. 可是這邊的風景是最好的.
Inside the hot spring. Let's pretend I didn't see the "No Photography" sign until much later? 在溫泉裡面. 我假裝沒看到"請勿拍照"的牌子!
Looking west up the river. This is one of the areas in which the 8-8 Typhoon did the most damage. 在河岸往西邊看. 這個地方在88水災的時候受到很嚴重的破壞.
The Jin Luen Train Station. I'd like to get back to this place and take more pictures of the places around it. We were a little pressed for time.金崙火車站. 我很想再回去那裏多拍些照片. 因為我們那時候時間很趕.
View from Highway 9, north of Jin Luen. A lot of construction on this stretch, but the delays provide photo opportunities? 台9線上, 金崙北邊的海景. 這附近很多路段在施工, 可是這樣反而讓人有很多拍照的機會.
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